Topic: Silly Jokes

[Rocksurfer]

Engineer your own body

An engineer dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. St Peter asks the engineer his name as he searches for it in the big Book of Life.

St Peter looks up and states, “There’s been a mistake, you’re not due here for another 50 years!” The engineer is distraught and asks what can be done.

St Peter replies, “No problem, this happens more often than you think. Follow me.”

So they walk through the gates and to a room with several bins in it. This is the body parts room. St Peter takes the engineer to the legs bins and states, “We have all kinds of legs to choose from, but relative to all the good you have done in life so far, you only get $500 worth to play with.”

The engineer sees this as the usual ‘get the most for the least’ cost exercise so decides to pick carefully and asks, “how much are super strong legs?”

“$10 each” replies St Peter. The engineer is overjoyed and takes two. The next bins are arms, and the engineer buys two super strong arms for $5 each. This is looking good and the engineer is building a great body and dreaming about all the fun he will have when he gets back to Earth.

They finally reach the brain bins. The engineer asks “How much are engineers’ brains?” “$5,000 an ounce,” replies St Peter.

“$5,000 an ounce!” exclaims the engineer. “Why so much?” St Peter replies, “Do you know how many engineers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

[Rocksurfer]

Light bulb joke

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That’s a hardware issue.

[Rocksurfer]

2 + 2 = Fore!

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And asks the keeper:
"What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[Rocksurfer]

Car calamity

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and software engineer are on their way to a trade show when their car stalls and they are forced to pull over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says, "It’s probably a mechanical problem. I'll get my tool box out of the trunk and I can fix it."

The electrical engineer says, "No, I'll bet it's an electrical problem. I have my multimeter with me and I'll go check it out."

Finally, the software engineer says, "I have the solution! Let's all get out of the car and then get back in. I'll bet we'll be back on the road in no time."

[monk #1164]

 
Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'. "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

[emsvitil]

[*** YELLER ***]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

[brockbuilt85]

hazard freight tools, got to the third page and started crying from laughing so hard

[pumkin toy]

Hazard Fraught tools was a great one!

[monk #1164]

Senior Sex:
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[BigMike]

^ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[monk #1164]

SEX IN THE SHOWER


In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, his supporters have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.


The survey was carried out for democrats by a leading soap and toiletriesfirm.

The resultsrevealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that theyhave had sex in the shower.


The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.




Sort of brings tears to your eyes...

[Tallchevy]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Tallchevy]

BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

 
 
 
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

[Tallchevy]

A modern day cowboy named Kenny has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty. But she is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey outfit.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the
Cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish..'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. Government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

[Tallchevy]

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,

"Well, wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

[Tallchevy]

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

[Tallchevy]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other

using my stuff.."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another ?"

[Tallchevy]

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day!"

He is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

[HULK]

 A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I can sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice;
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!”

All the students in the library stared at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?
 
The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!?  THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!"

...and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty" ...

[BigMike]

Sent from my iPhone connected to the BigMike Network using Tapatalk

[81yota4x4]

Embarrassing First Date

That is hilarious    

[BigMike]

I tried to catch some fog but I mist.


Sent from my iPhone connected to the BigMike Network using Tapatalk

[monk #1164]

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend

[monk #1164]

"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:

"Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway!"

Your Mum and I first got together
in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mum
SO we met at a cyber-cafe.

We found a secluded room & disappeared into it
for a short time then we googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a
download from my HARD drive..

Then as soon as I was uploading,
we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, & since it was
too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male!

[monk #1164]

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and gotta love That pig)

[mudaddict]

Quotes from the repair log of Qantas airline mechanics

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.



(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)



(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Toymin8r]

Hellen Keller walked into a bar.


















............Then into a table



















..........Then into a chair.

[THK Matt]

Quotes from the repair log of Qantas airline mechanics

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.



(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)



(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Absolutely hilarious!

Sent from the HO KID network using Tapatalk 2

[Rocksurfer]

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
An egg can't crack concrete

If it took eight men 10 hours to build a brick wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
None, the wall is already built

If you have 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand & 3 oranges and 4 apples in the other had what would you have?
Very large hands

How do you lift an elephant with two hands?
Your silly, elephants don't have hands

How can you go 8 days without sleeping?
That's easy, sleep at night

What can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner

What is the main reason for divorce?
Marrige