Topic: Silly Jokes

[monk #1164]

Then laugh with this one: 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

[emsvitil]

 Blonde On A Plane

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to toronto and i'm staying right here."


the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says,
"oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.


"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto."

[BigMike]

HA!

[Rocksurfer]

A Frightening Statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness,


That's scary!


It means 75% are running around untreated.

[monk #1164]

a woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor

asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to

do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares

me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your

husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it

in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either

leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it,

I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass

of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's

keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

[BigMike]

^ wow 

[Stocker]

The pretty Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh really!"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[Rocksurfer]

 

[BigMike]

Q. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? A. Ask them to pronounce unionized.



There is a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

[Wainiha]

^ That second one was bad.

[BigMike]

A programmer's wife tells him, "Please run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

[Stocker]

^^  Programmer..... engineer..... same thought process.   

[HULK]

This couple are asleep in bed when their house is broken into by a robber at 2am.  The robber enters the couples room and ties them up and climbs on top of the wife, kisses her neck, and goes into the bathroom. 

The husband says, "Honey, I saw him kissing your neck.  Just go along with it so he doesn't get upset and kill us.  I love you" 

The wife says, "He wasn't kissing my neck.  He whispered in my ear, saying that he thought you were cute, and if we had any vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom in the medicine cabinet.  I Love you too."

[emsvitil]

Bubba 's Test

 

 

Ah the joys of living in a football crazed south……….

 

 

Bubba went to an unnamed SEC team on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student.

 

 

Come graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits.  But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

 

 

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

 

 

The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."

 

Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

 

 

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question.

 

 

The students yelled    "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

 

 
Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

 

A hush fell over the auditorium and the students began another chant.

 

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

[HULK]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[HULK]

How can you tell if a cow is loose?

It can't keep its calves together.

[Stocker]

How can you tell if a cow is loose?

It can't keep its calves together.

OK, we have a "like" button....... we need a "groan" button.   

[emsvitil]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

[Wainiha]

Another second for that groan button.   

[emsvitil]

Woman Shot in her own  Driveway


Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws


and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.


 


Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the


windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of


her head.


 


He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda ' s


eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was


okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and


had been holding her brains in for over an  hour.


 


The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the


doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.


 


When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough


on the back of her head.


 


A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud


noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back


of her head.


 


When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and


thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.


 


Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all


be a coincidence.


 


The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was


from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[BigMike]

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

Gold walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "A u get outta here!"

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't server your kind here." The neutrino says, "I'm just passing through."

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The superconductor leaves without any resistance.

Barium walks into a bar and reacts violently with alcohol.

A proton walks into a bar, the bartender asks if he'd like a drink. The proton says, "No thanks." The bartender says, "Are you sure?" The proton says, "I'm positive."

F(x) walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't carter for functions."

He leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

A photon walks into two bars...

[Rocksurfer]

[BigMike]

Yo momma so fat, the probability of her being in an arbitrary point in a room is 1!

Yo momma so fat, the recursive function computing her mass causes a stock overflow!

Yo momma so fat, the escape velocity at her surface exceeds 3 x 10^8 m/s!

Yo momma so fat, she could be coded as a recursively fat C++ function!

Yo momma so fat, the long double numeric variable type in C++ is insufficient to express her weight!

Yo momma so fat, her mass at rest is approximately equal to that of a neutron star traveling at (1-(10^-1000)) * c!

Yo momma so fat, her muscle to fat ratio can only be explained in irration complex numbers!

Yo momma so fat, she proves that the universe is still expanding exponentially!

Yo momma so fat, she is at risk of engulfing herself in her own spinning vortex!

Yo momma so fat, she overloads her own free functions.

Yo momma so fat, her coefficient of friction between her and her surroundings approaches infinity!

Yo momma so fat, the gravitational lensing effect around her is such that a light beam passing within 1 AU has a radius of curvature of 6*10^9 meters!

Yo momma so fat, her mass to volume ratio allows her to float in an area of pure nitrogendioxide!

Yo momma so fat, her topology involves surfaces which fold back on themselves!

Yo momma so fat, her volume is an improper integral!

[81 shortbed]

Too much like homework^

[81 shortbed]

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.  Says to the bartender, I'll have a beer, and one for the road

[81 shortbed]

Deja-moo. The feeling that you've heard this bull before

[BigMike]

Too much like homework^

What?

Ok then how about this: A polar bear is just a Cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.

No? Ok how about: Hey girl! Are you made of a Copper Tellurium compound? Because you are CuTe!!

How about a simple Q&A:

Q: Two cats are sitting on a couch. Which one falls off first?






















A: The one with the lowest μ.

[OVRAROK]

this guy(bob) is standing in line at the cafeteria holding his arm, his friend john says " hey bob, what happened to your arm ?", bob replies, " I don't know. but with these new doctor rates, I not going to see the company doctor". johns says, " you know there's this machine at Walmart, that cost 5 dollars. it give you a bottle that you pee in, it will tell you everything". In disbelieve bob heads down to Walmart, but 5 dollars in machine, it dispenses bottle, he walks into restroom, pees in bottle returns bottle to machine, a few minutes later the machine spits out a receipt that says, your got tennis elbow, if you go to isle 3 there is some ointment, that will help.
bob, not fully believing this machine walks up, puts 5 dollars in, in dispenses another bottle. this time bob takes the bottle home, staring at the bottle for a minute, he decides to put a little tap water in it, he hears his wife shutting the bathroom door, he yells up" toilets aren't working". she walks out he dips the bottle into the toilet, walks into the second bathroom as his daughter is exiting(yelling, I cant believe there not working), he dips into that toilet, he see his dog taking a dump, scoops up a little, a just for fun he jerks off a liitle into bottle, he shakes it well.
returning to Walmart,bob walks up to the machine, put bottle in machine,waits a few minutes, then, the machine spits out a receipt, it read: #1 your water is hard, on isle 6 is a water softener, #2 your wife is pregnant, but its not yours,#3 your daughter has a serious cocaine problem, I would get her to rehab,#4 your dog has worms, on isle 12 you will find something for that, #5 if you don't stop jacking off, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow.

[HULK]

Since were doing old school yo momma jokes….

Yo momma so fat, when she wears a jacket with an X on it, helicopters try to land on her back.

Yo momma so fat, she sat in big foot and turned it into a low rider.

Yo momma so fat, her blood type is ragu,

Yo momma so fat, its not by the hair of her chinny, chin, chin, chin, chin, chin, chin…..

 

[81 shortbed]

To mama so fat when she cut her leg, gravy came out!