Author Topic: Silly Jokes (Read 556245 times)

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2790 on:** Mar 31, 2012, 01:36:58 AM »

Not a joke but just a thought,

How many of you 99 percenter's (Occupy Wallstreeter's) bought a lottery ticket?

Hippocrates.

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2791 on:** Mar 31, 2012, 02:47:39 AM »

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2792 on:** Mar 31, 2012, 04:12:28 AM »

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife,
one day, and said "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black & white TV,
but every night I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl...

"Now, I have a $750,000 home, a $55,000 car, a nice big bed and
a large screen TV; but I am sleeping with a 63-year-old woman...

"It seems to me, honey, that you are not holding up your side of things!"

My wife is a very reasonable woman...

She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would
make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving
a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve
an old guy's problems!

abnormaltoy · « **Reply #2793 on:** Mar 31, 2012, 07:44:19 AM »

or hypocrite...

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2794 on:** Mar 31, 2012, 10:13:29 PM »

Pun intended crates full of.....

unclejpl4x4 · « **Reply #2795 on:** Apr 01, 2012, 09:40:05 AM »

Quote from: Rocksurfer on Mar 31, 2012, 01:36:58 AM

Not a joke but just a thought,

How many of you 99 percenter's (Occupy Wallstreeter's) bought a lottery ticket?

Hippocrates.

i need a new truck

emsvitil · « **Reply #2796 on:** Apr 14, 2012, 04:48:48 PM »

A guy walks into his kitchen with a sheep under his arm. His wife is at the counter chopping veggies.

The man says "Honey, I have a confession to make. While you were away, I've been sleeping with this pig here"

The wife says "You stupid fool. That's a sheep, not a pig"

The man says "Woman, what makes you think I was talking to you?"

abnormaltoy · « **Reply #2797 on:** Apr 14, 2012, 05:02:58 PM »

HULK · « **Reply #2798 on:** Apr 15, 2012, 09:21:20 AM »

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID ..... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2799 on:** Apr 19, 2012, 04:28:36 AM »

Last week my wife started selling her body so we could pay our bills
She went out on her first night while I waited at home
I was awake when she got home sometime early the next morning,and i asked her how well she did
"Excellent",she told me.She had managed to make Three hundred and twenty dollars and ten cents.
"Ten cents?Who would give you a dime?" I asked her.
"Everybody"

83 Crawler · « **Reply #2800 on:** Apr 19, 2012, 07:51:59 PM »

HULK · « **Reply #2801 on:** Apr 22, 2012, 08:53:20 AM »

HULK · « **Reply #2802 on:** Apr 22, 2012, 08:56:02 AM »

I like Rocksurfers joke about being married for 40 years, that's a good one.

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2803 on:** Apr 23, 2012, 05:00:37 AM »

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

boggerunner · « **Reply #2804 on:** Apr 27, 2012, 10:54:35 PM »

Are you a real pilot?
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of a coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2805 on:** Apr 28, 2012, 02:12:45 AM »

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican! Opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said,' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde 's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

emsvitil · « **Reply #2806 on:** May 04, 2012, 11:57:14 PM »

Tallchevy · « **Reply #2807 on:** May 05, 2012, 12:27:58 AM »

Thats's a attempt but that professor is waaaayyyyy off!

Stocker · « **Reply #2808 on:** May 05, 2012, 05:32:04 PM »

This guy is sitting at the bar and couldn't help notice the strong accent the two rather large and loud women next to him had.
He turns and asks them,"Excuse me ladies,but I couldn't help but notice your accents. Are you two from Scotland?"
They both reply harshly,"No,you idiot,it's Wales!"
He felt bad for being mistaken and again asked,"I'm very sorry for being mistaken. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

HULK · « **Reply #2809 on:** May 06, 2012, 08:38:46 AM »

This kid and his father are in a store, and the kid sees a single pack of condoms. He asks his father, "Dad, what is this for?"
His father says, "This is for when you are in high school."
The kid then sees a 3 pack of condoms and asks, "Dad, what is this 3 pack for?"
The father replies, "Son, that is when you graduate high school to celebrate."
The kid then sees a 6 pack of condoms and asks, "Dad, what is this 6 pack for?"
His dad tells him, "Son, this is for when you get to college, to have for one day a week pretty much."
Finally seeing the 12 pack he asks his father, "What is this 12 pack for?"
The father explains, "Son. This is for when you get married. One for January, one for february, ....."

cruzila · « **Reply #2810 on:** May 08, 2012, 06:59:20 PM »

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
Heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know
The difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS- is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being
Met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, Are
You still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS- is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
Smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and
Slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2811 on:** May 11, 2012, 03:50:06 AM »

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

emsvitil · « **Reply #2812 on:** May 18, 2012, 04:33:01 PM »

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

HULK · « **Reply #2813 on:** May 24, 2012, 06:35:31 AM »

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey and orders a drink. The monkey starts to jump all around and eats everything in sight. It jumps on the pool table and even eats the cue ball.
The bartender says to the man, "Did you just see that? Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table."
The man replied, "Don't worry, I'll pay for everything at the end of the night when I leave."
So on the way out, the man takes his monkey and pays for everything and left.
Two weeks later the man shows up with his monkey again, and again the monkey jumps all over the place eating things.
The monkey jumped on the bar, grabbed a marachino cherry, stuck it up its butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender disgusted said," Did you just see that?"
The man replied, "Yeah. After the cue ball, he measures his food now."

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2814 on:** May 25, 2012, 04:29:16 AM »

Here another scam to watch out for guys...

A"heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

HULK · « **Reply #2815 on:** May 29, 2012, 09:22:01 PM »

There was a guy who was so stupid, he thought Masterbation was a kung fu instructor.

BigMike · « **Reply #2816 on:** May 31, 2012, 04:28:26 PM »

Two men walk into a bar.
One orders H2O.
The second says "I'll have some H2O too."

...

The second man died.

Goldrush · « **Reply #2817 on:** May 31, 2012, 05:54:15 PM »

i dont get it! lol

emsvitil · « **Reply #2818 on:** May 31, 2012, 06:08:54 PM »

H2O2

Hydrogen peroxide.........

Goldrush · « **Reply #2819 on:** May 31, 2012, 07:08:28 PM »

Got it. Lol

cruzila [OP]

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