Author Topic: Silly Jokes (Read 556460 times)

pumkin toy · « **Reply #2700 on:** Oct 15, 2011, 09:11:34 PM »

A husband and wife are getting dressed to go out for the evening, The wife is looking at herself in the mirror and complaining about having small breasts. So the husband says "a couple times a day you should rub some toilet paper between them and they will get bigger." She says "you really think that will work?" The husband replies "well it worked for your ass didnt it!"

HULK · « **Reply #2701 on:** Oct 16, 2011, 09:07:06 AM »

A man and woman are having sex, and the young boy walks in on them and screams, "MOM!" The man starts laughing and the mother tells the man to go talk to him about what the boy had just seen. Later on that day, the man looks for him, finally finds him and goes in to the room to talk to him. He opens the door, and just stands there in shock, as the boy looks at him and says, "Not so funny when it;s your mom, is it?"

emsvitil · « **Reply #2702 on:** Oct 21, 2011, 02:17:03 PM »

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello ? "

"Isyour daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

MayI talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,"came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again,whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME."

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2703 on:** Oct 28, 2011, 04:48:15 AM »

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die", she wails.
Then she yells,"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, -- one button at a time. . ...No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest . . . ..She gasps. . . and He says. . ...

"Here -- Iron this, and get me something to eat. . ..'"

Stocker · « **Reply #2704 on:** Oct 28, 2011, 07:53:05 AM »

Dunno if this is a joke or not: 15 free Chevy lug nuts

http://saintjohn.kijiji.ca/c-cars-vehicles-auto-parts-tires-other-parts-accessories-Chevy-Blazer-Nuts-W0QQAdIdZ318026270

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2705 on:** Oct 28, 2011, 10:01:21 PM »

Good one liners:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... So does having no medical insurance.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

topar · « **Reply #2706 on:** Oct 29, 2011, 08:31:55 AM »

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

Give her a shovel.

monk #1164 · « **Reply #2707 on:** Nov 03, 2011, 12:28:49 PM »

A cucumber, a pickle, and a thingy were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked. The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad." So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar." The thingy glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until i throw up and pass out."

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2708 on:** Nov 06, 2011, 03:45:13 AM »

Did you hear about the snail that got run over by a turtle?

when they ask what happen

he said i don't know it all just happen so fast.

Stocker · « **Reply #2709 on:** Nov 08, 2011, 10:01:44 AM »

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon as John was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2710 on:** Nov 10, 2011, 02:47:45 AM »

monk #1164 · « **Reply #2711 on:** Nov 14, 2011, 03:09:31 PM »

No JOKING!
without nipples, titties would be pointless

BadnewsBob · « **Reply #2712 on:** Nov 14, 2011, 04:06:05 PM »

Stocker · « **Reply #2713 on:** Nov 21, 2011, 10:21:01 AM »

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2714 on:** Nov 25, 2011, 02:32:17 AM »

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination, the nurse said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection."

I haven't got an erection," said the man."No, but I have," replied the nurse. Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco .

abnormaltoy · « **Reply #2715 on:** Nov 26, 2011, 06:23:22 AM »

eeew

emsvitil · « **Reply #2716 on:** Nov 27, 2011, 08:18:47 PM »

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home .

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2717 on:** Nov 29, 2011, 04:22:50 AM »

The first time you can be forgiven.
But I hope you learned your lesson.

Never, ever, take one for the team.

Not only will you lose whatever self respect you have but you stand a good chance of being seriously injured in a "roll over" incident. This is the number 2 cause of death when having sex. It is not covered by most health insurance and can also lead to severe psychological problems if you survive.

Not only are they huge but you have to put up with the insane dancing when ever they are happy. They will dance for any reason at the drop of a hat. Be especially wary of the 'pendulum arm swing". It has been known to be fatal. Just imagine a normal person with two canned hams strapped to their forearms. Avoid them at all costs.

If all you lost was a little shame you were lucky.

Toymin8r · « **Reply #2718 on:** Nov 29, 2011, 10:02:20 AM »

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS but they remind me of Obama supporters . . . .

They all hang together, half of the bastards don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!

emsvitil · « **Reply #2719 on:** Nov 29, 2011, 03:12:28 PM »

Nice tatoo.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3967502/Tatt-poo-for-cheating.html

83yota · « **Reply #2720 on:** Nov 29, 2011, 05:25:31 PM »

WOW not cool funny... but not cool

emsvitil · « **Reply #2721 on:** Dec 01, 2011, 07:50:37 PM »

I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years".

He said "Dude, that's a mirror"

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2722 on:** Dec 03, 2011, 10:02:14 PM »

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal

Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.

Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna..

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it

took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my

children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each

evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full

and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.

You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat.

With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats,

eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.

Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually

opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing,

and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village

and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City,

where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 - 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time

is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the

public and become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions ... then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal

fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your

kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where

you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

HULK · « **Reply #2723 on:** Dec 06, 2011, 07:38:33 AM »

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

brockbuilt85 · « **Reply #2724 on:** Dec 06, 2011, 08:58:15 AM »

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2725 on:** Dec 06, 2011, 11:11:21 PM »

That was funny!

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2726 on:** Dec 06, 2011, 11:21:46 PM »

..and you might be a web-wheeler if...

emsvitil · « **Reply #2727 on:** Dec 07, 2011, 12:04:32 AM »

Quote from: Rocksurfer on Dec 06, 2011, 11:21:46 PM

..and you might be a web-wheeler if...

You forgot my glasses.............

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2728 on:** Dec 12, 2011, 05:10:10 AM »

When a woman has a yeast infection does she call a doctor or a baker?

Rocksurfer · « **Reply #2729 on:** Dec 12, 2011, 05:11:39 AM »

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop And asked, "Champagne"?
"No," said the little boy.... "It's a puppy."*.

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