Topic: Silly Jokes

[Toymin8r]

Vegetarian - An old western word meaning "lousy hunter".

[emsvitil]

[junya92toy]

look like kenny to me

[emsvitil]

CINDERELLA was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life
since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to
mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension.'

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'..

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you
want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and
full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.


And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'



Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish
for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes
of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was
gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect
man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
& held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you neutered me.'

[Rocksurfer]

A man entered his hotel room after a long day of meetings, once inside he found a woman face down, completely naked and passed out drunk. Realizing that the woman must have entered the wrong room he wondered what he should do. What was the man's name?









.......it's coming,



















.......so do you know?

















.....his name is













Willy Turner!

[Toymin8r]

[emsvitil]

[emsvitil]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get f'd out of my peaches..

[Dingman.]

I lol'd on the last three.

[HULK]

This guy goes to see his new doctor, only to find out she is a hot looking woman.  She asks him, "What seems to be the problem?  What is the reason for your visit?"  He replies, "Doctor, my wife says I taste funny."

[46&2]

Some funny local police blotters....

3:07 p.m. — A caller from the 18000 block of Hilltop Road reported a cat stuck in a tree for at least 16 hours. The caller's dog had chased the cat up the tree. The caller had thrown tennis balls at the cat to get it out of the tree. The caller was advised that throwing tennis balls at the cat would not motivate it to leave the tree. The caller was advised to secure the dog and quit throwing tennis balls at the cat and it would more than likely exit the tree on its own.

5:27 a.m. — A man from the 13000 block of Highland Drive reported two people broke into his house, left baskets piled in the yard and are wrapped in blankets, lying in the driveway. It was found possibly to have been a dream.

6:08 p.m. — A man from the 12000 block of Slate Creek Road reported people repeatedly come to the residence to ask if it is for rent. He said he believes they want a pile of dirt in the yard.

12:08 a.m. — A caller from Lark Street reported someone playing “Amazing Grace” over and over. It was quiet when deputies arrived.

11:19 a.m. — A caller from the South Church Street parking lot reported there was a person there covered in mud, drinking beer.

8:53 a.m. — A caller from the 700 block of Taylorville Road reported an elderly woman was yelling for free coffee outside of a breakfast restaurant.

12:51 p.m. — A caller from the 200 block of Dorsey Drive reported a woman put the caller's cat in a plastic bag and threw it in a dumpster. It was retrieved by witnesses.



The last one... I don't know wether to   or to or to   or to  

[Rocksurfer]

Ever Wonder

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Toymin8r]

Ever Wonder

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

-Why to you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
-
-Why do they call it A bra and a PAIR of panties?
-
-Why did Superman stop the bullet but duck when the empty gun was thrown at him?
-
-Why is it the when we say our alarm goes off, it actually goes on?
-
-If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
-
-If it's zero degrees outside and will be twice as cold tomorrow, what will the temperature be?
-
-

[emsvitil]

[emsvitil]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
Then he caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breast, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side then suddenly stopped rolled over and began to watch tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she had asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, why did you stop?”
He said, “I found the remote”

[blackdiamond]

Over Engineering (a possible true story):

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy someone else's product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using some high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighing less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" - he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before it, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin. "Oh, that - one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang", says one of the workers.

[Rocksurfer]

I thought of the fan/air before I got to that part as I was reading the cure they came up with.

[HULK]

HOW  TO START A  FIGHT


One year, I decided  to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas  gift...

         The next year, I  didn't buy her a gift.

          When she asked me why, I replied,

          "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last  year!"

         And that's how the  fight started.....

         ________________________________ My wife and I were  watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in  bed.

         I turned to her and  said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

          'No,' she answered. I then said,  'Is that your final  answer?'

         She didn't even  look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

          So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a  friend."

         And that's when  the fight started...

         ________________________________


          I took my wife to a restaurant.

          The waiter, for some reason, took my  order first.

         "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."

          He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad  cow?"

         "Nah, she can order  for herself."

         And that's  when the fight started.....

         _______________________________


          My wife and I were sitting at a table at her  high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging  his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

          I asked her, "Do you know him?  "Yes", she  sighed,

         "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we  split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober  since."

         "My God!" I  said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that  long?"

         And then the  fight started...

         ________________________________


          When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my  wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But,  somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the  shed, the boat, making beer. . . Always something more   important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her  point.

         When I arrived home  one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping  away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a   short time and then  went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and   when I came out again I  handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish   cutting the grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

          The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a limp.

         ______________________________


          My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels.

         She asked,  "What's on TV?"

         I said,  "Dust."

         And then the fight  started...

         ________________________________


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and  slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to  the van and proceeded to back out into a  torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back  into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered   that the weather  would be bad all day.

          I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into  bed. I cuddled up to my  wife's back; now with a different anticipation,   and whispered, "The  weather out there is terrible."

          My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe  my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

          And that's how the fight  started...

         _______________________________


          My wife was hinting about what she wanted for  our upcoming anniversary.

          She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about   three  seconds."

         I bought her a  bathroom scale.

         And then  the fight started......

         ______________________________


          After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply for Social  Security.

         The woman behind  the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my  age.

   I looked in my pockets and realized I had  left my wallet at
home.  I told the woman that I was very  sorry, but I would Have to go home and  come back later.

         The woman  said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

          So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver  hair.

         She said, 'That  silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she  processed my Social Security application.

          When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about  my experience at
the Social Security office.  She said, 'You  should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability  too.'

         And then the fight  started...

          ________________________________


          My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

         She was not happy  with what she saw and said to me,

          "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really  need you to pay me a  compliment.'

         I replied,  "Your eyesight's near perfect."

          And then the fight started........

         ________________________________


I  rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad  day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a  DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT  Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you  then?'

That's how the fight  started.

[emsvitil]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion building, And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[HULK]

A married couple is sitting and watching television, and the husband keeps changing the channels between a fishing show and adult videos.  After a few minutes the wife turns to him and says, "Oh for cryin' out loud, just leave it on the adult video, you already know how to fish!"

[unclejpl4x4]

why are there no wall-marts in Afghanistan ?




Cause there all targets

[Rocksurfer]

Dog Compared With Congress
 
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick

I think my dog is a member of Congress!

[Rocksurfer]

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
 
If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
 If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
 

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
 If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
 

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
 If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
 

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
 A Democrat wonders who is going to take care of him.
 

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
 Democrats demand that those they don't like be shut down.
 

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
 A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
 

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it..
 A Democrat demands that the rest of us pay for his.
 

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
 A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".
 

[Toymin8r]

[emsvitil]

Mule Trading...


Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily inStarkville, MS.and bought a mule for $100.



The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."




Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."




The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."




They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."




The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"



Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."




The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"




Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"




A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.




"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollarsapiece and made a profit of $998."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said,"Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."


Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

[emsvitil]

[Rocksurfer]

President Obama walks into a Bank of America Branch to cash a check.
 As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you
 please cash this check for me"?
 
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
 
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think
 there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the president of
 the United States of America!!!!"
 
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the new
 regulations, monitoring of the banks because of impostors and
 forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
 
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
 you. Everybody knows who I am"
 
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I
 must follow them."
 
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check"
 
Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger
 Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he
 pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank
 into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed
 his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled
 out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis
 ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr.
 President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as
 the President of the United States?"
 
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly,
 there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single
 thing."
 
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

[HULK]

Rocksurfer, that is the best joke thus far man.

[Rocksurfer]

Oh I'm sorry I put this in the joke section! I meant to put it in the truth section. 

[4RunnerChevy]

I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"

Stall: "So what are you up to?"

Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."

Stall: "Can I come over?"

Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"




Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!



-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The economy is so bad that: I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck