Author Topic: Silly Jokes (Read 555939 times)

emsvitil · « **Reply #3120 on:** Apr 25, 2015, 01:20:31 PM »

Darqueeze played high school football in Chicago. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Darqueeze could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said: "Darqueeze, if you can answer this one question correctly I'll give you your diploma."

"Darqueeze, how much is three times seven?”

Darqueeze looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, pondering the question.

The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”

Then Darqueez held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”

A hush fell over the auditorium and then all the other students began to chant:

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

emsvitil · « **Reply #3121 on:** Apr 25, 2015, 01:21:07 PM »

Subject: An idea worth exploring

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place....
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the heck - they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in the country would start flying again, expecting to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. The tips would be so good we could even charge the 'ladies' for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of their earnings.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

monk #1164 · « **Reply #3122 on:** May 07, 2015, 09:14:10 AM »

went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked richard headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

monk #1164 · « **Reply #3123 on:** May 16, 2015, 02:10:18 PM »

So ... I was having some beers with some old fart friends of mine the other day , and this topic came up . One friend said , " 60 is the worst age to be , you always feel like you have to pee and nothing happens . " Another one of my buddies says , " That's nothing , when you're 70 , you don't have a bowel movement unless you eat bran , and take laxatives . Yet you still sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens . " Then the oldest buddy says , " 80 is the worst age of all ! " " Do you have trouble peeing too ? " Asked the 60 year old . " No , I pee every morning at 6:00 am . like a race horse , no problem at all . " " Do you have trouble making a bowel movement ? " Asked the 70 year old friend . " No , I have one every morning at 6:30 am . " Puzzled with his complaint , the 60 year old said , " Let's get this straight . You pee every morning at 6:00 am ., and poop every morning at 6:30 am . So what's so tough about being 80 ? " The 80 year old replied , " I don't wake up until seven " ..

BigMike · « **Reply #3124 on:** May 18, 2015, 05:50:45 PM »

HULK · « **Reply #3125 on:** May 27, 2015, 07:43:49 AM »

Husband asks wife, "What would you do if I win the lottery?"

Wife replies, " I'd take half the money and leave you."

Husband says, " Great, here's six dollars, I won twelve yesterday. See you around."

HULK · « **Reply #3126 on:** May 27, 2015, 07:47:25 AM »

Husband and wife are laying in bed and the husband starts to feel up on is wife.

Wife says, " Stop, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, I wanna be fresh for it tomorrow."

Husband turns around, then says, " Do you have a dentist appointment too?"

monk #1164 · « **Reply #3127 on:** May 29, 2015, 08:05:52 AM »

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, umm, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy...I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

HULK · « **Reply #3128 on:** Jul 09, 2015, 08:59:43 PM »

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour rubbing his balls because it was something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because" she replied
"I really miss mine."

HULK · « **Reply #3129 on:** Jul 09, 2015, 09:04:46 PM »

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting frisky.
Wife says, "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!"

emsvitil · « **Reply #3130 on:** Jul 29, 2015, 11:35:54 PM »

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool.” says Bobby. Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says “Whaaaat?”

“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll Screw all night if we let her!”

Bobby’s eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying “Have a good evening kids,” with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

“DAMNIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!”

emsvitil · « **Reply #3131 on:** Aug 06, 2015, 07:02:13 PM »

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge"
"Yes"
"It looks like we have a homicide here, he reported.
"What happened?" asked the Sergeant.
A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
The Sergeant nodded his head and asked,"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Wainiha · « **Reply #3132 on:** Aug 07, 2015, 09:10:53 AM »

This is such a good thread.

HULK · « **Reply #3133 on:** Aug 19, 2015, 07:19:53 PM »

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble." "Oh no, my dear," replied granny, "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Wermz84 · « **Reply #3134 on:** Aug 30, 2015, 08:39:28 AM »

ROBOT FOR SALE:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Dingman. · « **Reply #3135 on:** Aug 31, 2015, 11:20:35 PM »

BigMike · « **Reply #3136 on:** Oct 01, 2015, 02:32:21 PM »

A man gets stopped by a game warden with a bucket full of fish.

Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No Sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How's that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my bucket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: Here I'll show you... (releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: Well this I've got to see!!

5 minutes later...

Warden: Well??
Man: What?
Warden: The fish!! Where are your pet fish??
Man: What fish??

OVRAROK · « **Reply #3137 on:** Oct 01, 2015, 03:48:33 PM »

Three men rent a hotel room. Each pays $10 for a total of $30 spent on the room. The next day the hotel owner tells the three men that they over paid for the room as it only costs $25. The three men tell the owner to give them each a dollar back and he can keep two dollars.

If you do the math, each man paid $9 a piece for the room for a total of $27. The owner kept $2 which brings the total to $29.

The question is where did the other dollar go?

Stocker · « **Reply #3138 on:** Oct 01, 2015, 06:19:34 PM »

^^ Oldie but a goodie -- I like it!

Wainiha · « **Reply #3139 on:** Oct 02, 2015, 04:09:09 PM »

I seen where dollars have been and what has been done with them. Best arguement ever for a debit card!

Stocker · « **Reply #3140 on:** Oct 03, 2015, 06:39:39 PM »

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a philly sub and steak fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the

fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to

results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your

. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

abnormaltoy · « **Reply #3141 on:** Oct 12, 2015, 04:06:51 PM »

Quote from: Stocker on Oct 03, 2015, 06:39:39 PM

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a philly sub and steak fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your . Death sounds pretty good about right now....

Been there done that...don't do it any more.

Stocker · « **Reply #3142 on:** Oct 12, 2015, 10:19:58 PM »

I hear ya. Pretty sure I haven't been past a three star, and darn few of those. Gave it up nearly 25 years ago though... where the heck does the time go, and how does it get there so quickly?

BigMike · « **Reply #3143 on:** Oct 13, 2015, 09:56:09 AM »

Quote from: ovrarok on Oct 01, 2015, 03:48:33 PM

Three men rent a hotel room. Each pays $10 for a total of $30 spent on the room. The next day the hotel owner tells the three men that they over paid for the room as it only costs $25. The three men tell the owner to give them each a dollar back and he can keep two dollars.

If you do the math, each man paid $9 a piece for the room for a total of $27. The owner kept $2 which brings the total to $29.

The question is where did the other dollar go?

Nice, I like this one.

redneckcustoms13 · « **Reply #3144 on:** Oct 13, 2015, 10:26:57 AM »

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they both feel the urge to take a dump. The Bear squats and while doing his business, looks over to the rabbit and asks, do you have a problem getting sh*t in your fur? The rabbit has been done with his business for a few moments now but politely replys no he doesn't. The bear picks him up, wipes his ass with him and walks off.

OVRAROK · « **Reply #3145 on:** Oct 29, 2015, 04:52:38 PM »

If Teresa's daughter is my daughter's mother, what am I to Teresa
A. Grandmother
B. Mother
C. Daughter
D. Granddaughter
E. I am Teresa

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk

BigMike · « **Reply #3146 on:** Nov 02, 2015, 10:28:46 AM »

Quote from: ovrarok on Oct 29, 2015, 04:52:38 PM

If Teresa's daughter is my daughter's mother, what am I to Teresa
A. Grandmother
B. Mother
C. Daughter
D. Granddaughter
E. I am Teresa

There must be something really tricky I'm missing because none of the above are correct and there is not enough information to solve. "<Somebody else> is my daughter's mother" indicates that I cannot be female yet all provided answers are.

Maybe I should spend more time pondering it, but this is my line of thinking:
Teresa | | Daughter Me (male) \ / \ / \/ My daughter

Therefore I am one of the following to Teresa:

Her son-in-law
Some dude who knocked up her daughter out of wedlock
Her own son who knocked up his sister

blackdiamond · « **Reply #3147 on:** Nov 02, 2015, 11:44:50 AM »

Quote from: BigMike on Nov 02, 2015, 10:28:46 AM

There must be something really tricky I'm missing because none of the above are correct and there is not enough information to solve. "<Somebody else> is my daughter's mother" indicates that I cannot be female yet all provided answers are.

Maybe I should spend more time pondering it, but this is my line of thinking:
Teresa | | Daughter Me (male) \ / \ / \/ My daughter

Therefore I am one of the following to Teresa:
Her son-in-law
Some dude who knocked up her daughter out of wedlock
Her own son who knocked up his sister

Why can't she refer to herself in the third person? It's a riddle after all. I would assume that the answer is C, but I get your point.

Stocker · « **Reply #3148 on:** Nov 02, 2015, 01:27:50 PM »

I had forgotten about this one. Consider this:

1. Assume you are a female.

2. Solve for "my daughter's mother" first. Answer = me.

3. We now know that Teresa's daughter is me.

4. Therefore the answer is C. Daughter.

BigMike · « **Reply #3149 on:** Nov 03, 2015, 11:16:55 AM »

LAME.

But thank you for the explanation

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