Chuck Norris...

[abnormaltoy]

I saw an infomercial today and noticed Chuck had his beard shaved off...I guess the fist under his beard wanted some camera time.

[toyotamobing]

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

[toyotamobing]

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

[toyotamobing]

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
 
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
 
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
 

[toyotamobing]

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
 
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
 
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
 
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
 
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
 
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

[toyotamobing]

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
 
What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
 
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
 
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
 
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
 
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
 
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
 
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
 
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
 
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
 
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

[toyotamobing]

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
 
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
 
Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
 
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
 
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
 
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
 
chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
 
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his richard.
 
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

[toyotamobing]

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
 
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
 
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
 
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
 
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
 
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
 
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
 
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
 
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
 
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
 

[toyotamobing]

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
 
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
 
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
 
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
 
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
 
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
 
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
 
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
 
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
 
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
 
On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
 
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
 
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
 
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
 
chuck norris is the only person that can bunch someone in the back of the face

[unclejpl4x4]

I wana get a chuck norris doll.... opss action figurine    so i can test these theories   

[norcalyoter]

already done!! check out the link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdD54rG9oQA

[unclejpl4x4]

ya . FAKE

[15.50_STock]

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
 

chuck norris is the only person that can bunch someone in the back of the face

1. Yes there is, chick norris needed something to watch.
2. bull crap. I do it all the time.

[Wermz84]

1. Yes there is, chick norris needed something to watch.
2. bull crap. I do it all the time.

#1.  Funny! 


#2.    Really?  you can defy physics and bend the space time continuum to get to the skin on the back side of the face without going through the skull or brain matter first to kick them?    You are good.   We need pictures!   

[2toyotas]

mr.T once beat chuck norris at arm wrestling, in return chuck norris created racism.

[15.50_STock]

#1.  Funny! 


#2.    Really?  you can defy physics and bend the space time continuum to get to the skin on the back side of the face without going through the skull or brain matter first to kick them?    You are good.   We need pictures!   

No defying needed. And yes I am good. Pics on the way.

[Rocksurfer]

Chuck Norris demanded this thread back to life or his was going to kick all of our asses at the same time.

[zlathim]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to Satan for his martial arts skills.  As soon as the transaction was complete, he roundhouse kicked Satan and took his soul back.  The devil can appreciate irony and they both had a good laugh about it.  They still play cards every Tuesday.

[Duffil]

superman's only weakness is Kryptonite.  Chuck Norris laughs at superman for having a weakness.

[15.50_STock]

BUMP!!!!!!

[Rocksurfer]

Chuck Norris doesn't need a bump, he just kicks his way to the top.

[15.50_STock]

Chuck Norris hit a bump in the road, which spilled the diesel fuel he was drinking. He was pretty mad so he pounded the bump into what we consider the grand canyon.

[15.50_STock]

Chuck Norris sticks 2 cows in between slabs of granite when he's hungry.

[highridin4x4]

[Rocksurfer]

  Chuck can revive old threads by being well Chuck.

[abnormaltoy]

ROR!

[yota_krawler]

Chuck Norris seduced me....... 

[Thomas P]

Chuck Norris seduced me....... 

eww

[yota_krawler]

you freaker

i forgot to log out at your house huh! Karma is a pregnant dog i guess

[yota_krawler]

why use duct tape when you can use chuck norris' skin