Topic: Silly Jokes

[SWAMPER]

DB you are mean....I like Kermit

[dirtbag]

Q 1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using your CPU?

A 1: there's white-out on the screen.






Q 2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using your CPU?

A 2: There's writing on the white-out.

[WHITE_TRASH]

cute

[SWAMPER]

ahahaha!

[dirtbag]

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands 
 
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
 
 

[Bazzi]

ok try this one.....


I am the beginning of the end. You can see me twice in a week, but not in a day. Once in a year but twice in a decade.
Who am I?

[Brian83]

the letter E?

[brainlessfool]

That joke was childs play for the viking cat over lords   

[SWAMPER]

I would have never gotten it 

[mudguts]

   Viruses WARNING :
 Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec or McAfee have any solutions for these yet!!!
 The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
 
 The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
 
 The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
 
 The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
 
 The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
 
 The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.
 
 The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
 
 The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
 
 The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
 
 The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
 
 The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
 
 AND WORST OF ALL...
 
 The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows
 

[SWAMPER]

 

[dirtbag]

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired.

They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't
live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem...

How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an
anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up
against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Bazzi]

 

[dirtbag]

 > GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
  > 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
  > 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  > 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
  > person.
  > 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  > 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  > 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  > 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
  > 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  > 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  > 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
  >
  > GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
  > 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
  > 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
  > 3) Families are like fudge . .... .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  > 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
  > 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
  > 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
  >
  > GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
  > 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
  > 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
  > 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
  > there.
  > 4) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
  > you the questions.
  > 5) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
  > 6) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
  >
  > THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
  > 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
  > 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
  > 3) You are Santa Claus.
  > 4) You look like Santa Claus.
  >
  > SUCCESS:
  > At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
  > At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
  > At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
  > At age 18 success is . . . having sex.
  > At age 35 success is . . . having money.
  > At age 50 success is . . . having money.
  > At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
  > At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
  > At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
  > At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
  >
  >  Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh

[mudguts]

 
Subject: 'Big People' Words'

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to
the first grade.  The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big
People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said,

"Winnie the SH*T."

[SWAMPER]

LMAO!!! Winnie the Sh*t

[84runner]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He
decides to clean and serve
the venison for supper. He knows his kids are
fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know
what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for
dinner?". "You'll see", says
his dad.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps
asking what they're
eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its
what your mother sometimes
calls me."

The girl suddenly screams at her little brother,
"Spit it out! ...It's
!"

[84runner]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what
he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in
the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub
it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[84runner]

 


Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[84runner]

"You know the world is different
when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the US of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the 3 most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush,' 'richard,' and 'Colon'!"

[84runner]

http://funny.ansme.com/videos/stfu.html

http://funny.ansme.com/videos/park.html

http://funny.ansme.com/videos/matrixcow.html

http://funny.ansme.com/videos/typicalmale.html

http://funny.ansme.com/videos/robotman.html

[BigMike]

man these are great. The biker, Whinnie, and the flowers are great jokes

[84runner]

THE INHERITANCE

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father dies, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a
week or two, my father will die and I will inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and in four days she became his stepmother.

 

[SWAMPER]

ahahaha thats gotta suck

[mudguts]

 
How To Clean The Toilet

1. Put both lids up and add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.( Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog
 

[mudguts]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle
few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my
wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a
tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So..... I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she
 

[brainlessfool]

 

[SWAMPER]

 

[mudguts]

The Popes tour in Texas

   On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit
   the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the
   sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he
   notices a frantic commotion just off shore.
 
   There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from
   the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a
   speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men,
   President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's
   side while richard Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-
   conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using (autographed
   Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark
   to death and hauled it into the boat.  Immediately the Pope
   shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings
   for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was
   some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now
   I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
 
   As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked richard "Who was that?"
   "It was the Pope," richard replied. "He is in direct contact with
   God and has all of God's wisdom."

   "Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom,
   but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing
   ................how's the bait holding up?"
 

[dirtbag]