Author Topic: Silly Jokes (Read 549145 times)

84runner · « **Reply #270 on:** Jun 17, 2004, 11:03:26 PM »

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The pig was killed.

The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked the President. "Well," the driver replied "the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked the President.

The driver replied: "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

84runner · « **Reply #271 on:** Jun 17, 2004, 11:05:04 PM »

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal a bottle of wine, and smoke around the campfire, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"Sir," Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" pursued Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Silent for a moment, Holmes replied: "Watson, someone has stolen our tent!"

mudguts · « **Reply #272 on:** Jun 17, 2004, 11:31:30 PM »

Disturbing Beer News

Yesterday, Texas A&M University scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1
hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8, Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

mudguts · « **Reply #273 on:** Jun 17, 2004, 11:38:19 PM »

Brian83 · « **Reply #274 on:** Jun 17, 2004, 11:40:37 PM »

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"

mudguts · « **Reply #275 on:** Jun 17, 2004, 11:57:45 PM »

Here guys, take a break from the toitles.

http://www.richsalter.btinternet.co.uk/cks1/index.html

KYOTA · « **Reply #276 on:** Jun 18, 2004, 09:26:28 PM »

All jokes on this page are hillarious but clay kitty's F'n kick ass, especially clay kitty's II 8) my dog was goin nuts

SWAMPER · « **Reply #277 on:** Jun 19, 2004, 08:48:27 AM »

What does a loyal redneck tell a girl thats hitting on him.......Sorry I have a SISTER!!!

brainlessfool · « **Reply #278 on:** Jun 19, 2004, 03:27:38 PM »

Well I will be sure to tell our vikking cat overlords to streer clear of the pieking moon

mudguts · « **Reply #279 on:** Jun 19, 2004, 03:31:20 PM »

Quote from: brainlessfool on Jun 19, 2004, 03:27:38 PM

Well I will be sure to tell our vikking cat overlords to streer clear of the pieking moon

mudguts · « **Reply #280 on:** Jun 19, 2004, 03:33:25 PM »

Don't worry, Chow Lin does'nt have a chance against the Hammer of the Gods

84runner · « **Reply #281 on:** Jun 21, 2004, 12:20:22 AM »

Thats a good one mudguts

sending that one to address book

BigMike · « **Reply #282 on:** Jun 21, 2004, 02:11:40 PM »

These are some great jokes!

mudguts · « **Reply #283 on:** Jun 21, 2004, 10:55:55 PM »

This may take a minute or two.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/stfu.php

mudguts · « **Reply #284 on:** Jun 21, 2004, 11:11:07 PM »

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no
passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was
too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was
boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about
anything. Life became so dull
that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I
couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl
with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so
ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl
with big tits.

WHITE_TRASH · « **Reply #285 on:** Jun 21, 2004, 11:26:43 PM »

84runner · « **Reply #286 on:** Jun 21, 2004, 11:46:51 PM »

2 good ones in a row mudguts

I seen that video before but laugh everytime

and nice smiley WT

SWAMPER · « **Reply #287 on:** Jun 22, 2004, 07:42:03 AM »

Magnuts the freking video is sooo funny I know Ive felt like doing that a couple of times

84runner · « **Reply #288 on:** Jun 22, 2004, 01:37:55 PM »

Subject: FW: Famous Sexual Quotes - these are pretty good.

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things
that money can buy." Tom Clancy

**********************************

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?..... Me neither."
Steve Martin

**********************************

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd
better have a good hand." Woody Allen

**********************************

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night." Rodney Dangerfield

**********************************

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
Lynn Lavner

**********************************

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George
Burns

**********************************

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships." Sharon Stone

**********************************

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-pregnant dog." Jack
Nicholson

**********************************

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former
US
First Lady)

**********************************

"Ah, yes. Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals
through his wallet." Robin Williams

***********************************

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy
Crystal

***********************************

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

***********************************

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like
and just give her a house." Rod Stewart

***********************************

"See, the problem is that God gave man a brain and a thingy, and only
enough
blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

redroller · « **Reply #289 on:** Jun 22, 2004, 02:20:35 PM »

a man starts playing golf one morning
when he walked up to his ball just off the 2nd green he saw a frog but thought nothing of it.
he pulled out his sand wedge and as he started to swing he heard "ribbit" 9 iron.
he quickly dimissed it and began to swing again. again he heard "ribbit" 9 iron.
to prove the frog wrong he pulled out his 9 iron and hit the ball. the ball landed 5 inches from the hole. the man thought the frog was lucky so he picked him up and carried it to the next hole. the man looked at the frog and said ok frog what should i use now? the frog responded "ribbit" 3 wood. so the man did as the frog said and he got a hole in one. the man looked at the frog and said you really are a lucky frog i am taking you to vegas. the man and the frog walk into a casino and the man says where to frog. the frog says "ribbit" rullet. ok what do i do? "ribbit" $3000 on 6 black. the man says thats alot of money but ok. (million to one shot) he wins. so the man buys the biggest room and all the best food. he looks at the frog and says frog you have won me all this money what can i do for you. the frog says "ribbit" kiss me. the man looks at the frog weird but he thinks the frog has won me all this money why not. his kisses the frog and a beautiful 15 yearold girl appears.

And your honor that is how that girl got in my room on my honor or my name is not william clinton.

yotaboy79 · « **Reply #290 on:** Jun 22, 2004, 03:59:20 PM »

84runner · « **Reply #291 on:** Jun 22, 2004, 07:34:28 PM »

I seen a protesters sign on the new the other day that read " If Osama Bin Laden was a piece of ass , Bill Clinton would hit it "

mudguts · « **Reply #292 on:** Jun 23, 2004, 12:19:21 AM »

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/cartrailor.wmv

mudguts · « **Reply #293 on:** Jun 23, 2004, 12:29:48 AM »

--- Just in case you have had a rough day, here's a technique recommended in all the latest psychologicl texts. The funny thing is that it really works! RELAX...and

1.Picture yourself near a stream.

2.Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world"

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See! You're smiling already.

Have a relaxed day.

redroller · « **Reply #294 on:** Jun 23, 2004, 07:53:57 AM »

the D.O.T. got together with the SUV makers of the US to disgine a box that would go into SUV's and record everything that happens up and through fatal accidents. 90% out of all people in 49 states last words were OH $HIT. but 95% of all people in Texas lasts words were hold my beer and watch this.

SWAMPER · « **Reply #295 on:** Jun 23, 2004, 08:50:51 AM »

Hey dont Bash on TX

83yota · « **Reply #296 on:** Jun 23, 2004, 09:34:23 AM »

its not bashing if its the truth

84runner · « **Reply #297 on:** Jun 23, 2004, 12:54:53 PM »

That yugo or what ever it was pulling that trailer was great mudguts

83yota · « **Reply #298 on:** Jun 23, 2004, 04:19:19 PM »

i just got yelled at for watching that clip

84runner · « **Reply #299 on:** Jun 23, 2004, 10:36:26 PM »

Why did you get yelled out for watching that ?

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The

car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title & everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

FINALLY, a smart blonde joke!!!!!!

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