Author Topic: Silly Jokes (Read 547423 times)

84runner · « **Reply #151 on:** Apr 16, 2004, 08:59:28 AM »

Glad to see you guys liked

LA_Fred · « **Reply #152 on:** Apr 20, 2004, 04:07:31 PM »

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any _expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

LA_Fred · « **Reply #153 on:** Apr 20, 2004, 04:09:26 PM »

Here's another one for you married guys out there!

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are too
small. "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does
this one make them look smaller?" she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before
bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her
husband, "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does
this one make them look smaller?"

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, "I know how
to make them larger!"

"How!?!?!?" she asks.

"Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between
your boobs."

"Well how long does it take?" she asks.

"They should expand over the years," he answers.

"How did you know that?" she wonders.

"I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?"

KYOTA · « **Reply #154 on:** Apr 20, 2004, 07:01:41 PM »

Quote from: LA_Fred on Apr 20, 2004, 04:07:31 PM

I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Thanks Fred, screen is now covered with PBR!!

brainlessfool · « **Reply #155 on:** Apr 20, 2004, 07:11:16 PM »

can't wait till big mikey sees that one!

KYOTA · « **Reply #156 on:** Apr 20, 2004, 07:13:42 PM »

The back of my hand still stings from where he slapped me !

84runner · « **Reply #157 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 09:05:00 AM »

Those are pretty good

keep them coming.

LA_Fred · « **Reply #158 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 01:00:21 PM »

Glad you guys enjoyed those, more on the way soon!!

84runner · « **Reply #159 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 02:11:17 PM »

Well this insn't a joke but it's funny

84runner · « **Reply #160 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 02:12:44 PM »

another

84runner · « **Reply #161 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 02:14:06 PM »

84runner · « **Reply #162 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 02:15:35 PM »

84runner · « **Reply #163 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 02:19:00 PM »

84runner · « **Reply #164 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 02:20:19 PM »

I hope this one is ok BigMike

84runner · « **Reply #165 on:** Apr 21, 2004, 02:21:02 PM »

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of WHISKEY was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

brainlessfool · « **Reply #166 on:** Apr 22, 2004, 05:20:29 PM »

you get a point from me for those ones

84runner · « **Reply #167 on:** Apr 23, 2004, 11:33:48 AM »

Thanks alot Brainlessfool I need that

84runner · « **Reply #168 on:** Apr 26, 2004, 08:04:51 PM »

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort
to getaway from evil incarnate.Soon everyone had exited the church
except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
presence.So Satan walked up to the old man and said.

"Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an
even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for

all eternity?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't

you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 50

years."

brainlessfool · « **Reply #169 on:** Apr 26, 2004, 08:41:54 PM »

one more for you

mr4x42u · « **Reply #170 on:** Apr 27, 2004, 12:57:45 AM »

here is one I posted a while back but seems to be gone now..funnay!!

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17:

bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
__________________

WHITE_TRASH · « **Reply #171 on:** Apr 27, 2004, 01:34:36 AM »

That is TOO damned funny!! Im in tears that was just hilarious! I dont think itll stay around long though mikey will erase it Im sure. Thanx for the laugh!

mr4x42u · « **Reply #172 on:** Apr 27, 2004, 04:22:02 AM »

well I could just post the link I guess..I'll wait to see what mike does..Here is another thats funny..

PINOCCHIO
>Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
>splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
>Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
>sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A
>couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
>town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who
>needs a girlfriend?"
>
> > CINDERELLA
>Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
>her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
>appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to
>go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
>diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must
>be home by 2a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
>pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour
>comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,
>Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have
>you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to
>turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
>"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know
>of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't
>remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."
>
> > MICKEY MOUSE
>Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said
>to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I
>didn't say she was crazy, I said she's freakin' Goofy."
>
> > SNOW WHITE
>Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind
>him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming,
>"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
>
> > RED RIDING HOOD
>Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the
>Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her
>throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little
>Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a
>.44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going
>to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
>
> > *** Oh......................................................by the
>way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch? ***
>

84runner · « **Reply #173 on:** Apr 27, 2004, 10:31:18 AM »

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistan man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you
wild at sex like great desert camels". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!

84runner · « **Reply #174 on:** Apr 27, 2004, 10:52:44 AM »

Sometime it sucks to have a luxury but it's worth it

trust me

http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=2182

84runner · « **Reply #175 on:** Apr 30, 2004, 11:11:25 PM »

Mother's Nightmare

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS
cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Some day I'll visit so you will get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the
school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!

84runner · « **Reply #176 on:** May 06, 2004, 05:33:35 PM »

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE
>>AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
>>SAUNA.
>>
>>SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
>>THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
>>BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER
>>QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE
>>SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN
>>OF MY ARM."
>>
>>A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE
>>JAPANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
>>WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY
>>MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
>>
>>THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH.
>>NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO
>>DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
>>
>>SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE

>>BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET
>>PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED
>>THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
>>
>>THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU
>>LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX."
>>

brainlessfool · « **Reply #177 on:** May 06, 2004, 05:44:09 PM »

KYOTA · « **Reply #178 on:** May 06, 2004, 08:24:32 PM »

That was good!

KYOTA · « **Reply #179 on:** May 06, 2004, 08:29:26 PM »

The other day this kid brings home a new bike. The kids dad said "where did you get that, I didnt give you any money for a new bicycle?" . The kid said "I earned the money from hiking". His dad replies "hiking, you cant make money from hiking". The kid says "sure you can, every day after you go to work the mailman gives me ten bucks to take a hike!!"

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