Author Topic: Silly Jokes (Read 556222 times)

BigMike · « **Reply #450 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 08:33:25 AM »

I found some great jokes, so here goes:

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

BigMike · « **Reply #451 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 08:35:59 AM »

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls into bed.

The next morning, he can't even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

BigMike · « **Reply #452 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 08:37:43 AM »

The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

1. You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!

BigMike · « **Reply #453 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 08:46:00 AM »

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the crawl box, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's crawl box," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

KYOTA · « **Reply #454 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 08:48:53 AM »

Quote from: BigMike on Aug 25, 2004, 08:35:59 AM

"they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

Thats pretty good Mike

BigMike · « **Reply #455 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 08:52:19 AM »

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said "sure."

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed.

The man said, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger said, "Sure." So the man looked for a second and said "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The man said, "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the richard, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. The hit man pauses for almost 5 minutes. The paying customer starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what the hell he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Hold your horses, I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

Do ya get it? huh? Do ya?

BigMike · « **Reply #456 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:00:14 AM »

There is a ship that goes out to sea and sinks. Six people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a raft to float to a deserted island.

After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely, sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement: each man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.

Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man each week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies! The first week is pretty bad, the second week is is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad.

Soooooo . . . on the sixth week . . .

(This is really a bad joke)

(You've been warned!)

THEY BURY HER.

BigMike · « **Reply #457 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:00:40 AM »

A guy goes to see the doctor because he's a little too well endowed. In fact, it is 25 inches long. No woman would have sex with him.

The doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch doctor who may be able to help. The witch doctor takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey this is great, he thinks. Let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back, "No!" Twitch - the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

The annoyed frog yells back, "Look . . . how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO."

BigMike · « **Reply #458 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:01:24 AM »

Three men were in a tub out in the ocean. They had 4 cigarettes, and no means of lighting them whatsoever. How did they manage to smoke?

They threw one cigarette overboard which made the tub a cigarette lighter.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA A CIGARETTE LIGHTER HAHAHAHAH

BigMike · « **Reply #459 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:03:00 AM »

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so - thereby proving, once and for all, that Hugh and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Hey this is the Silly Joke thread, right?

BigMike · « **Reply #460 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:04:47 AM »

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." Thespeck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

BigMike · « **Reply #461 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:06:52 AM »

Crafty Interpreter

A member of the Inca tribe was captured by the Spanish. The captain told his interpreter to say to the Inca India, "Tell him if he doesn't tell us where they have hidden all of their gold, that we will burn both his feet in the fire."

Through the interpreter the Inca Indian responded, "I'd rather die than tell you where the gold is." With that they burnt his feet. The Captain then told the interpreter to say, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the gold is hidden, we will hang him from that noose on the tree over there." Again the Inca responded, "I'd rather die than tell you where the gold is." With that they took him over to the tree and hung him until he could hardly breathe.

The Spanish captain then ordered the Indian to be brought to him again. This time he said to the interpreter, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the gold is, we will skin him alive."

The Inca could stand it no longer and said, "The gold is hidden in a little cave behind the large waterfall. It is one mile over the hill to the right." The interpreter told the captain, "He said he would rather die than tell you where the gold is."

BigMike · « **Reply #462 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:08:20 AM »

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

BigMike · « **Reply #463 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:10:54 AM »

I've heard this one somewhere.. Maybe its already posted here but the search is down and I dont want to read through 15 pages.. so here goes:

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the freakn ship?"

88runner · « **Reply #464 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:19:24 AM »

hey mike

Quote from: Chris Geiger on Aug 24, 2004, 01:00:34 PM

Forget the silly jokes and get your ass in here and make us some tie rods!

BigMike · « **Reply #465 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:23:07 AM »

hehehe hey today's my day off

88runner · « **Reply #466 on:** Aug 25, 2004, 09:25:14 AM »

you should get off

more often you're beginning to be funny

KYOTA · « **Reply #467 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 07:23:29 AM »

Copied this off SNORT too damn funny
http://www.snort4x4.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=13333

SWAMPER · « **Reply #468 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 10:08:44 AM »

RLMAO!!!!!!!!

I had a taser once and I thought of trying it on myself but never had the gut to do it...( thank god im a wimp)

88runner · « **Reply #469 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 10:51:10 AM »

if the discharge is strong enough wath it does is contract all your muscle so basically close your hand even stronger.

Skinny_Pedal · « **Reply #470 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 10:55:55 AM »

speechless

Mike D · « **Reply #471 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 12:11:11 PM »

CruzrDave · « **Reply #472 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 03:33:42 PM »

damn mikey, these are really super-b-duperly funny man! i love you and your jokes!

mike is

everyone should listen to his jokes because he is awesome

Dave

WHITE_TRASH · « **Reply #473 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 03:37:41 PM »

Hmm sounds like you owe Mikey some $$ or something Dave. Or are you trying to get a raise? lol

SWAMPER · « **Reply #474 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 03:39:23 PM »

Maybe he just wants for Mike to make him some tie-rods

88runner · « **Reply #475 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 03:40:06 PM »

what's that called

butt sniffing

Brian83 · « **Reply #476 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 06:43:46 PM »

the taser one is awesome!! I can relate, I've been tasered, maced, tear gassed, and stun gunned, no fun

Mike D · « **Reply #477 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 06:45:38 PM »

Ouch!

SWAMPER · « **Reply #478 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 09:28:18 PM »

Quote from: Brian83 on Aug 26, 2004, 06:43:46 PM

the taser one is awesome!! I can relate, I've been tasered, maced, tear gassed, and stun gunned, no fun

Why?

brainlessfool · « **Reply #479 on:** Aug 26, 2004, 09:39:32 PM »

Quote from: LILSWAMPER on Aug 26, 2004, 09:28:18 PM

Quote from: Brian83 on Aug 26, 2004, 06:43:46 PM
the taser one is awesome!! I can relate, I've been tasered, maced, tear gassed, and stun gunned, no fun

Why?

If he told you, he'd have to kill you

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