This deserves its own thread. A MUST read!

[*FFC*]

Ok guys, I know this should go into the 'Silly Jokes' thread, but this is just too good to miss.  You gotta read them.. ALL!!!

Oh yeah POST YOUR FAVORITE!

My favorite is the Engine Hoist... and the Floor Jack


Tools and Their Uses
 
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
 
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou _ _ _ _...."
 
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
 
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
 
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
 
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
 
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
 
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
 
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
 
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
 
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
 
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
 
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
 
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
 
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
 
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
Tools and their proper uses : 
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
 
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
 
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[jimbo74]

[red]

thats so true!!!

[*** YELLER ***]

 

[Lady Di]

THE DAMMIT TOOL

those are all great!

[Lady Di]

The engine hoist was great, and the wire wheel as well.

[topar]

  I use that Dammit tool all the time!  Best tool of all time 

[weirdtimes_7]

I love it... where did you find that at, HAHAHAHAHAHA

military_stang

[*FFC*]

I love it... where did you find that at, HAHAHAHAHAHA

military_stang

It's been passed around my work

[weirdtimes_7]

It's been passed around my work

Thats so freaking cool.. i'll be passing it around my office now, HAHA

military_stang

[Lady Di]

I've passed it along

[BLACKDOG]

yeah, thats going up in the garage.

[DTB]

what about the angle grinder? i can think of meny things i have efffed up twith that includning myself

[BLACKDOG]

what about the angle grinder? i can think of meny things i have efffed up twith that includning myself

I cannot believe I didn't notice that

[unclejpl4x4]

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

that is so me

[NT-OUTBACK]

My DAMMIT tool was a rechargable mag flashlight when I was a tech.

One time I got pissed I took that MFer and tossed it through a sheet rick wall as hard as I could.  It went though the sheet rock on both sides landing in the service writers office.

To make matters worse or funny the service manager was in the office talking to a customer that came in. They both came out of the office laughing their arses off. I think it might have been what I said before I threw it that made them laugh more than anything else.

I remeber talking dirty to the car I was working on very loud like "You like that" let me do it a little harder you English **** OK F*** You I'm done and I tossed the flashlight.

[rednk1980]

 

[unclejpl4x4]

I remeber talking dirty to the car I was working on very loud like "You like that" let me do it a little harder you English **** OK F*** You I'm done and I tossed the flashlight.

ya been thare   

[fordh8r]

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

that is so me

As a professional I've learned with time to have more than one designated dammit tool or even a box full of dammits. What a time saver. 

[DTB]

    As a professional I've learned with time to have more than one designated dammit tool or even a box full of dammits. What a time saver. 

i thought the dammit tool was the BFH?

[unclejpl4x4]

i thought the dammit tool was the BFH?

2 much work 2 throw a BFH unless it's a big damit


well no  i had this snap-on coffee cup that keeped tiping over on my tool box so i got DAMIT on it with the 20 BFH   ( nice cup 2 the one they give you for 1000$ finace chare

[Cheesemaker]

My damnit tool, is the one that happens to be in my had when it slips off what I'm doing, because I didn't have the $ to buy the right one, and my hand goes flying directly into the sharpest thing closest to my hands vicinity! 


We won't even talk about my dremel tool and beer!  Did you know that they leave nice little scars on the back of your hand! 

[BLACKDOG]

i thought the dammit tool was the BFH?

Nah, thats the F%&# It tool.  Ya know, " F%&# it, this ain't workin, hand me the hammer!"

Often results in a use of Dammit tool, and a friend saying "That'll buff out!"