bar napkin joke

[hawaii500_1999]

okay okay.  here it goes.

three guys break down on the con and they all take something with them on their hike out.
one brings some food, the second brings water, and the third brings a truck door.
the first one asked the second why the water.  the second said to drink.  then asks why the food and the first said to eat.
they both then look at the third guy and asked why in the heck is he bringing his truck door.  

and he said....................................................................
















SO WHEN IT GETS HOT I CAN JUST ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW.

 

[SeaBass44]

A horny man is rockwalking through the con, and notices a wino
passed out on a rock.  Temptation overcomes him, and
he decides to 'have his way' with the wino.  After he finishes,
he feels a little guilty, and decides to slip a $5.00 bill into
the pocket of the wino's pants.

The next morning, the wino wakes up and finds the money in his
pocket.  He immediately goes to the nearest liquor store and
tells the clerk, "Give me $5.00 worth of the cheapest wine
you've got!"  The clerk returns with a gallon jug of wine, the
wino pays for it and leaves.  He then spends the rest of the day
back at his rock drinking.

That night after the wino passed out, the horny man rock crawled by
again, and repeated the cycle from the night before.  The next
morning, the wino found the money in his pocket again, and again
went to the same liquor store and bought another gallon jug of
cheap wine, then spent the rest of the day drinking on his bench.

This whole process continued nightly for over a week.  One night,
after finishing his business with the wino, the man felt especially
guilty about his behavior, and slipped a $20.00 bill into the wino's
pocket.

The next morning, after finding the money, the wino proceeds to
his favorite liquor store and requests $20.00 of their finest wine.

The clerk obliged and said, "Don't you usually come in here and get
$5.00 of our cheapest wine?"

To which the wino replied "Yeah, but I gotta quit drinking that
cheap stuff.  It makes my ass hurt!"

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

So sea were you the wino or the other guy?

[SeaBass44]

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.  

The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with
calculations.  His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some
paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with
no sweat.  

The accountant said he thought his dog was better.  This dog was named
Slide Rule.  He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and
divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better.  His dog
was named Measure.  He was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven
ounces into a ten-ounce glass.  The dog did this with no problem.  

All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were
equally smart.  They all turned to the construction worker and asked,
"What can your dog do?

The construction worker called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and
said, "Show these fellows what you can do!"

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, on the
paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back.
While doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied
for workman's compensation and then clocked out early on sick leave.
                      .__________________________.

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Ok, this Lady is in a BIG hury making cup cakes for her sons B-day party some how while shes mixing the batter she spills BB's into the batter shes in such a big hurry she says, "Oh well it wont hurt them." And finishes make the cup cakes.

So the party is now happening an all of a sudden one of her sons friend comes up to her and aks her where the bathroom is she points down the hall. A few minutes later the kid comes back and says, "Say lady, say lady I just peed some BB's!" she tells him its Ok and keep having fun with his friends.  

A few minutes later another one of her sons friend comes up to her and aks her where the bathroom is she points down the hall. A few minutes later the kid comes back and says, "Say lady, say lady I just peed some BB's!" she tells him its Ok and keep having fun with his friends.  

A few more kid come up to her and say the same thing.
she tells him its Ok and keep having fun with his friends.  

Another one of her sons friend comes up to her and aks her where the bathroom is she points down the hall. A few minutes later the kid comes back and says, "Say lady, say lady......."  She says I know, Iknow you just Peed some BB's." The boy says "no, no I jacked off and shot the cat!"  

[SeaBass44]

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a
hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest.  He's a
civil servant.  He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"

[SeaBass44]

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked  "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[SeaBass44]

One day Little Jonny and his grandpa are out fishing. The fishing is abit
slow so grandpa reaches into the cooler and pulls out a beer. Little Jonny
looks at his grandpa and then at the beer and says "Hey, grandpa, can I have
a sip of beer?" His grandpa replies, "Well, Can you touch you with
your richard?" Shocked, Jonny says "No, I am only 8." "Well," grandpa says
"your too young to have any beer." So a little while later, grandpa reaches
into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette and lights it up. Jonny looks at
his grandpa and hopefully askes "Grandpa, can I have a puff of your
cigarette?" Grandpa replies "Well, Now can you touch your with your
richard?" Jonny disappointedly replies "No, I told you I cant." "Well, then
your too little to smoke too." A short while after that Jonny reaches into
his pocket and pulls out a big bag of homemade cookies and starts to munch
happily. His grandpa looks at the cookies and then at Jonny and says "Hey,
can I have one of those cookies?" Jonny looks up and says "Well, I dont
know, can you touch your with your richard?" Grandpa sits up straight
and proudly says "Why yes, yes I can." Jonny looks at him and says "Good,
then go flopp yourself because grandma made these cookies for ME."

[SeaBass44]

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to
give a few of your loudest screams?"

Patient: "Why, Doc?  It isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right
now, and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock baseball game."

[SeaBass44]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"

[SeaBass44]

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes,
jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.  One day his wife came
home with a diamond neckless.

The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a mink coat.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!!
Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"

His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.
The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"
The guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card"

[SeaBass44]

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear
for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he
waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of
the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query,
roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court!  That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied,
"I know.  But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

[SeaBass44]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling
by train to a conference.  At the station, the three
accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three
engineers only buy one ticket.
  
"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
    
They all board the train.  The accountants take their
respective seats but all three engineers cram into a
rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!"  The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the
return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers don't
buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant.
    
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into
a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby.  The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are
hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

[SeaBass44]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation,
so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his
problem by startling himself whenever he thought that
he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store
and bought a starter pistol.  Then he went home to
try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him
on their bed,... naked!  So he ripped off his clothes
and began making love with her.  Eventually, they
wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt
an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a
few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported
his results.  He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc!
When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face,
bit 3 inches off my thingy and my neighbor came out of
the closet with his hands in the air!"

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Knock knock,
Whos there?
 
  Who?
 
 :.order:
 
Dont ever come to my house and wink at me again!!!!

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Doesnt get any stupider then that

[SeaBass44]

Doesnt get any stupider then that

  you got that right! :talking: :talking: :talking:

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Doesnt get any stupider then that

Or does it
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Banana,
Banana who?
Knock knock,
whos there?
Orange,
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didnt say banana?

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Ok Ill stop
theres a Penguin driving down the road and all of a suddin his Jeep jerks to a halt. Some how he is accoss the street form mecanic shop. so he pushes his Jeep over and tells the mechanic what hapened. The mechanic tells him to go have luch at the fish resturaunt accross the street and by the time he comes back he will know whats wrong.

When the penguin comes back the mechnic tell s him he knows what the problem is............................................................he blew a seal
The peguin say OOh no thats tarter sause!

[trt2]

What can you tell a J**p owner with two blacks eyes?

Nothing, you already tried twice!    

[SeaBass44]

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.  "I would
love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant,
'but I haven't got the energy'.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the
farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of
the tree.


The Moral of the Story:
bull crap might get you to the top,...
        but it won't keep you there!

[ToyChick1]

Whats The Difference Between A Blond And A Walrus??




                         :













One Has Wiskers And Fishie Flaps
And The Others A Walrus!!!!!!!!!

  :up: :up:

[Paul_Elbisser]

These 3 china men come to the states.

 Oh this is better told in person

[trt2]

Paul, you did a crappy job on the that joke last time, work on it...

Toychick1, I want to party with you!  

take care...

[J.D.Zuki]

;DWhats the last thing a 4 wheeler says right before he brakes something on his truck?          Watch this......

[hawaii500_1999]

;DWhats the last thing a 4 wheeler says right before he brakes something on his truck?          Watch this......

hey that's my line.

[Doc]

;DWhats the last thing a 4 wheeler says right before he brakes something on his truck?          Watch this......

 :up:Thats what I said when I snapped a D44 on a CJ2A "Get a Run on it!!!" "Ok watch this"

 

[cruzila]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.  The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"  Without batting an eye, the old manreplied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.















I was just wondering if you were my son.

[BigMike]

This one is for CrawlerChick

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe
I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any
shoes either!"

[mr4x42u]

Guy walk sinto a bar,,he's ready to forget his worries so he sit down at the bar and orders a  ..
He can't help to notice the ape at the end of the bar so he asks the bartender..whats up with the ape at the end of the bar..bartender says just drink your   and forget about it..no proble,,so a while gose by and many   's...Guy says hey,,c'mon tell me about the ape,,bartender gives the guy another  ,this one's on the house,no problem.
The bar is pretty empty now the guy is just hammered..
He orders one more  ,,say I really want to know about the ape..c'mon man tell me..Ok,Ok,,sayythe bartender..He grabs a 2x4 from behind the bar,,walks over and WWHHAAAKKK!!!!the ape over the hed..the ape get down off the bar stool and walks around the bar and gives the bartender a B/J..WOW!!says the guy..Thats pretty neat..Yea says the bartender..do you want to try it he says,,The guy says SURE!! but you don't have to hit me quite as hard....