APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

[79coyotefrg]

    

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Category: Life

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE __ ______________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________ _____________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain:
__________________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A 4x4 truck with stock tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced
tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No


(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ___ _________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ _____________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. If your application is rejected, please do not try to call, write, e-mail, FAX, UPS, Fed-Ex, sky-write, use jungle drums, ask a friend to do same or any other form of communication. Failure to comply will necessitate a visit by two gentlemen, driving a large trunk sedan and carrying musical instrument cases.


To prepare yourself for the face to face interview, start studying Daddy's/Grandpa's Rules for Dating.



Daddy's/ Grand Pa's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place.


Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my pickup?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Iraqi car bomber.     When my head injury starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns,(and i have  MANY) as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
If  you happen to hear what sounds like gunfire,  stick your head out the window of the car and stop.

[NorCalToy]

haha, i read this on your blog on myspace. its pretty funny...

[GJToyotabug]

it should also say you MUST drive a Toyota and MUST be able to keep up to me

[79coyotefrg]

OMG  it seems like yesterday i was telling her Mom she needed a diaper change

[CTENG in KS]

Glen is in DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP trouble.

[79coyotefrg]

Glen is in DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP trouble.

she is  a heart breaker  aint she 

[John Doe]

Since I am with out any children, this will work great for any young punk who wants to date my 13 year old sister

[Cheesemaker]

I'm printing this out!!!!     And filling them into the daughter dating file! 

I remember when you posted that pic of her with you and Infernal thinking, DAMN!  Infernal must be scared of Glen, cause he was well behaved!! 

[MiniSimp]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Category: Life

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME MiniSimp DATE OF BIRTH April of 76

HEIGHT 6'4" WEIGHT 247 IQ 141 GPA 0.0

SOCIAL SECURITY Not by the time I'm old enough to use it DRIVERS LICENSE Current

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES Yeah, but they didn't catch me taking them

HOME ADDRESS BFE CITY/STATE Californication ZIP it's up

Do you have parents? _x__Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? _x__Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married 31______________________________

If less than your age, explain:
Divorce_________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes _x_No

B. A 4x4 truck with stock tires? _x_Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes _x_No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes _x_No

E. A tattoo? __Yes _x_No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced
tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes _x_No


(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

When she's supposed to be bleedin but doesn't ___ _________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

Do her with your hands in the air? ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

I'm not familiar with that word.... ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend St. Johns

How often you attend Twice a year

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? Never

Mother? Never

Pastor? He's dead


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

On your daughters bed

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

Hip

C: A woman's place is in the:

Bedroom

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

Where I was between 1994 and 1997

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? Retire

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

Boobs Smile _____________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? Don't know, I've got a 4Runner.

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


MiniSimp
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


It's in the mail
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

Governor Schwartzenegger
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. If your application is rejected, please do not try to call, write, e-mail, FAX, UPS, Fed-Ex, sky-write, use jungle drums, ask a friend to do same or any other form of communication. Failure to comply will necessitate a visit by two gentlemen, driving a large trunk sedan and carrying musical instrument cases.

[79coyotefrg]

[79coyotefrg]

I'm printing this out!!!!     And filling them into the daughter dating file! 

I remember when you posted that pic of her with you and Infernal thinking, DAMN!  Infernal must be scared of Glen, cause he was well behaved!! 

i couldnt find it, but KNEW she had it on her myspace

NAH,  if anything he was skeerd of her Momma

[sigman]

That is great! I am going to show it to my 13 YO. I bet she don't like it as much as I do.