"The Good Wife's Guide" from Housekeeping Monthly, May 13, 1955 - with updates and annotations from "The Good Wife's Guide 2001 Edition" by Amanda Wolfe Party On!
1955: Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.2001: Have him make dinner around 11pm as you have both been working hard all day. Offer to help at a point in his food preparation wherein it would be absolutely impossible for anything you do to constitute "help". You want him to know you care, or at least care about looking like you care. Remember to thank him after the meal; this is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are fully aware that you would starve to death if he weren't so concerned about your needs. And if you can't bring yourself to let him clean up the kitchen and cook yet again, it wouldn't kill you to pick up the tab for the sushi or the Taco Bell. Finally, American wives should avoid spelling "favorite" with a "u", as your husband may fear that you are too picky and old-fashioned to possibly enjoy the delicious meal he has been preparing for you since the night before.
1955: Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.2001: Prepare yourself. Apply at least a little bit of deodorant, or just keep your arms down. Secure long and unruly hair with a decorative accessory such as a pen or a pair of tweezers. It's nice to look good sometimes, but being constantly anal about your faźade will cause him to worry about what kind of truly hideous physical defect you are hiding from him.
1955: Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.2001: Being a little gay will just confuse him and get his hopes up; after all, you don't want to encourage a threesome. Instead, provide his day with a little lift by sharing every clever one-liner or amusing concept you've come up with since that morning. Offer cynical comments on everything you see on television, since he has been dealing with overly polite office types all day. It is one of your duties to find new people and things you can both enjoy making fun of, like other people's children.
1955: Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.2001: Clear away the clutter. Move your dirty jeans from the coffee table to the recliner so you can make room for the delicious dinner he will be cooking at 11pm. Leave his mail all over the couch so he can find it easily.
1955: Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.2001: Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then stack them in the corner or under the coffee table. One of you will eventually put them away during your surprise cleaning binge six months later. Give the tables a quick swipe with your sleeve to remove most of the cat hair.
1955: Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. 2001: Over the cooler months of the year, it is best for both of you to sleep all day as it is much warmer and saves on heating bills. If you must rise, you should prepare lots of hot coffee for each other. This will make both of you think of Starbucks, a haven of rest and order. And as this is really the only thing resembling food that you're capable of making, it will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
1955: Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.2001: Prepare the children. 45 minutes at 350 degrees should be sufficient (if they are small). Parents should please note that I am kidding and hold off on the hate mail until I finish going through my February archives. In any case, take a few minutes to comb your child's hair, sweep up her excess litter, and turn your lone house plant upright again. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum - not difficult as these appliances have all remained remarkably quiet in the past several months anyway. Try to encourage the children not to cough up hairballs directly upon your husband. Women with regular human children should leave them as is, so your husband can fully understand and appreciate just what kind of lunatic brigade you have to deal with all day.
1955: Be happy to see him.2001: Be happy to see him. Most men would be very afraid to come home to you. And besides, a belching contest isn't a contest if you don't have an eager competitor to join you.
1955: Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.2001: Greet him with a warm smile before asking him to kill the centipede you've left trapped under tupperware in the middle of the floor all day.
1955: Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.2001: Listen to him, but make sure you've mentally catalogued all the things you need to share as soon as there is one millisecond of silence. Remember, no topic of conversation is as important as your most recent detailed analysis of why your Ford Escort is so very cool. If you didn't get a chance to share a clever related insight before the conversation switched topics, feel free to force the conversation right back to where it was.
1955: Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. 2001: If he comes home late, or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you, you are either wasting the best years of your life on a real piece of crap, or you have actually read "The Rules" and are therefore no fun to be around at all. Try to understand his world of strain and pressure (which must apparently involve skinning live alligators for 23 hours a day if a potboiler like Housekeeping Monthly is to be believed) and his very real need to be around someone with a soul and self-awareness instead of a damn 1950s Stepford wife.
1955: Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. 2001: Your goal: Try to make sure your home is not perpetually on fire.
1955: Don't greet him with complaints and problems.2001: Don't greet him with complaints and problems...save them for the commercial breaks, or you might miss something cool.
1955: Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he may have gone through that day.2001: Don't complain if he stays out all night without giving you some sort of notice. Count this as minor compared to what he's going to go through trying to move all his
out of the house at gunpoint.
1955: Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.2001: Make him comfortable; finding you sprawled out in a comfortable chair with a stiff drink creates a relaxed, casual atmosphere that will put him at ease.
1955: Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice. 2001: Offer him a pillow so he has something upon which to rest his dinner plate. Speak in a dull rambling monotone to remind him that you are incapable of B.S. and therefore could not possibly be keeping any secrets from him.
1955: Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.2001: You should ask quite a few questions about his actions if he suddenly starts insisting that herpes can be transmitted electronically. You should then question your own judgment and integrity for marrying him based on the results of a Cosmo Quiz. Remember, he is the master of his own destiny, and you have no right to refuse to help his bad karma take effect.
1955: A good wife always knows her place. 2001: A good wife always knows that Ace is the Place with the Helpful Hardware Man.
