Topic: Silly Jokes

[CruzrDave]

damn mikey, these are really super-b-duperly funny man! i love you and your jokes!

mike is everyone should listen to his jokes because he is awesome

Dave

I really don't remember saying that  and I know even if I had a few  I would still never say that. Maybe I should start loging my comupter out.

Doesn't matter anyways, the Rock Ninja's have powers that can't be known

[Brian83]

All in the name of fun, for everyone else, not me

[SWAMPER]

LMAO Miky...trying to bump your self-esteem up huh 

[84runner]

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey

[Mike D]

 

[84runner]

CHILD: Dad, where did I come from?
DAD: O.K., we had to have this conversation someday!
Well, you see, Dad and
mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a
meeting with your mom and we
landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then,Mom
did some downloads from
dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload,
we discovered that there
was no firewall. Since it was a bit too late to
cancel, I just carried on
doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus
appeared!

CHILD: Huh?

[BigMike]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."





The moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[BigMike]

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[BigMike]

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive b*std.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!


THEY WANT TO!!

[BigMike]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."

During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

[BigMike]

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.

P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.


hehehe

[SWAMPER]

Miky keep it up this are some good jokes

[84runner]

Subject: Understanding the opposite sex


Ouch. This is funny but don't try this at home.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."



I said "WHAT?!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every
husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs
as a man."



She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big, unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tri ed on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.



She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get
a pair for each outfit.  We went on to the jewelry dept. where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings.


Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."


Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I
blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went
completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then
said, "Really honey! I just want you to H OLD this stuff for awhile.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this
look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me
for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Bazzi]

 

[KYOTA]

My father always told me" If you keep playing with yourself you'll go blind!"   and I'd always say "Hey dad, I'm over here!"

[SWAMPER]

 

[88runner]

you've got trouble with your car? http://www.kalecoauto.com/ come to your rescue with only top quality product 




Go in the tune-up section and read description for spark plug. 

[Mike D]

I need the mufler bearing and some blinker fluid I think i might be out.

[84runner]

While your at it make sure to get your kanooder rod balanced and don't forget get to polish your duel chrome dip sticks, and clean out your fuel injected brake lines.

[84runner]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[BigMike]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[BigMike]

You may have heard this one before, but...........


Imagine the most beautiful mountain scene you've ever seen. Snow-covered mountains, green grass, tall evergreens, crystal clear lake -- absolutely gorgeous. Now picture this fly buzzing around above the lake. Bzzzzzz.

There's a trout in this lake who sees this fly buzzing around. "Now if that fly drops six inches," the trout thought, "I can grab him and have my lunch."

A bear behind a tree sees this same fly and thinks, "Now if that fly drops six inches, that trout will jump up and get the fly and I can grab the trout and have my lunch."

Across the lake, a hunter hides behind a tree and sees the fly. "If that fly drops six inches, that trout will eat it and that bear over there will leap out and grab the trout and I can shoot that bear and have bear steak for my lunch."

A little mouse crouching in the grass near the hunter watches the hunter eat his cheese sandwich and thinks, "If that fly drops six inches, the trout will jump up and eat him and that bear will grab the trout and the hunter will shoot the bear and I can have the cheese sandwich for lunch, since the hunter can't eat and shoot at the same time."

Behind the mouse, a cat crouches watching the same fly. "Now, if that fly drops six inches, the trout will jump up and grab it and the bear will grab the trout and the hunter will shoot the bear and the mouse will eat the cheese sandwich and then I can have the mouse for lunch."

So it all comes down just as planned. The fly drops six inches. The trout leaps up and grabs the fly. The bear jumps out and grabs the trout. The hunter drops his cheese sandwich and brings his gun up to shoot the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich and the cat springs forward. But the cat misses the mouse and tumbles past the hunter and falls into the lake.


The moral of the story:
When a fly drops six inches, the girl thingy gets wet.

[BigMike]

One day a group of engineers got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one engineer to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The engineer walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently to the man and after the engineer was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."

The man replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The engineers said, "Sure, no problem." He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"

[mudguts]

A woman is in a coma. The Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge
bath.

 One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a
response on the monitor when she touches her.

 They go to her husband and  explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe  a little  oral sex will do the trick and bring her out
of the coma."

 The  husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the
 curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!!

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart
rate. The nurses run into the room.

 The husband is standing there, and says, "I think she choked!!     


 

[BigMike]

 

[SWAMPER]

    

[BigMike]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was the one in charge.

   "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".

   "I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."

   "I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and
give all of you energy."

   "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."

   "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

   "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

   All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.

   Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.



   The Moral of the story?

   The is usually in charge !!

[BigMike]

A group of Arkansas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Bubba?" the others asked.

"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Bubba laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!"

[dirtbag]

 

[BigMike]