Author Topic: Silly Jokes  (Read 380017 times)

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Wainiha

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3150 on: Nov 03, 2015, 01:38:45 PM »
So messed up.
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Choking
« Reply #3151 on: Nov 24, 2015, 05:59:39 PM »
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you
a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replies. I'm with the I.R.S.
Ed
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toyotaguy34

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3152 on: Nov 27, 2015, 08:12:22 PM »
Why do women rub the eye's when they first wake up in the morning ? Because they don't have balls to scratch.

HULK

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3153 on: Nov 28, 2015, 07:28:44 AM »
Thought This Was Funny.

Tallchevy

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3154 on: Nov 28, 2015, 09:48:29 AM »
Thought This Was Funny.

Jared gets free foot longs for 15 years!

:angry: My child is an honor student at Anton Levay's School of Satanic Arts :angry:

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Tallchevy

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3155 on: Dec 02, 2015, 08:11:44 PM »
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is thats?" St Peter answered, "That's mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never lied." "Incredible, " said the man."That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,  telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." The man asks, "Where's Obama's clock?" St Peter answered, "His is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
:angry: My child is an honor student at Anton Levay's School of Satanic Arts :angry:

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BigMike

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3156 on: Dec 07, 2015, 01:01:15 PM »
Wow

HULK

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3157 on: Dec 19, 2015, 02:54:27 PM »
Just in time for Christmas.

HULK

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3158 on: Jan 09, 2016, 06:36:05 AM »
So a blonde gets milk delivered to her house weekly.  This week she puts 25 gallons of milk and puts the tag on the door.  The milk man shows up and knocks on the door to make sure she didn't want 2.5 gallons.  She says no, I want 25 gallons, so I can bathe in it to stay young.  The milk man asks if she wants it pasteurized?  She says no, just to my chest, if I want it on my face I'll splash it on myself. :driving:

wideopenoutdoors

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3159 on: Jan 12, 2016, 05:20:19 AM »
only plain bagels can fly
when in doubt throttle out

Rocksurfer

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3160 on: Jan 12, 2016, 07:18:25 PM »
Well 2 can play this game...

 When's a seagull not a seagull? When it's a bagel.
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wideopenoutdoors

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3161 on: Jan 13, 2016, 11:00:09 AM »
why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 is a 6 offender
when in doubt throttle out

redneckcustoms13

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3162 on: Jan 13, 2016, 11:02:18 AM »
Here is was thinking it was because 7 8 9
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wideopenoutdoors

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3163 on: Jan 24, 2016, 05:51:20 AM »
when in doubt throttle out

wideopenoutdoors

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3164 on: Jan 24, 2016, 05:51:50 AM »
when in doubt throttle out

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3165 on: Feb 08, 2016, 03:48:34 PM »
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Projects waiting in my shop: '83 Front Axle, TG Sliders, second tcase, NEW: XD 4.70 gears!

Stocker

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3166 on: Feb 12, 2016, 09:54:59 PM »
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
My goal in life is to be as a good a person as my dog already thinks I am.

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Stocker

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3167 on: Feb 16, 2016, 04:35:23 PM »
George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both" and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
My goal in life is to be as a good a person as my dog already thinks I am.

If you don't learn something every day, you're not paying attention.

Stocker

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3168 on: Feb 16, 2016, 04:41:47 PM »
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning and I knew she was in terrible shape.

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
My goal in life is to be as a good a person as my dog already thinks I am.

If you don't learn something every day, you're not paying attention.

emsvitil

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3169 on: Jul 01, 2017, 04:30:31 PM »
> Will I Live to see 80?
 >
 > I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am well  past Seventy).
 > A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
 > She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
 > 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
 > Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
 > 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
> 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
 > 'No, I don't,' I said.
 > She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
 > 'No,' I said...
 > She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a :pokinit:?
 >
Ed
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brainlessfool

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3170 on: Jul 01, 2017, 10:27:13 PM »
> Will I Live to see 80?
 >
 > I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am well  past Seventy).
 > A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
 > She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
 > 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
 > Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
 > 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
> 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
 > 'No, I don't,' I said.
 > She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
 > 'No,' I said...
 > She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a :pokinit:?
 >

ya call that living?
A good day working, that's just sick :reg:

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3171 on: Aug 18, 2017, 08:30:06 AM »
A man walks into a Library to inquire about a new book.

Man: Excuse me, is the new book on small penises available?

Librarian: I'm sorry it's not in yet.

Man: Yes! That's the one!!

emsvitil

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Re: Silly Jokes
« Reply #3172 on: Sep 08, 2017, 05:05:37 PM »
Hypnotist at a Seniors' Home


 



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.


After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.


The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his
 waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.


"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see


"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six
 generations," said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"


The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.


The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.


A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.


They were all hypnotized.


And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!


The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.


":pokinit:," shouted Claude.


It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

 
Ed
SoCal
86 SR5 XtraCab
22RE  W56B
31x10.50R15

emsvitil

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Zoo
« Reply #3173 on: Nov 07, 2018, 04:53:15 AM »

A man walks into a zoo.


The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.


It's a shitzu.
Ed
SoCal
86 SR5 XtraCab
22RE  W56B
31x10.50R15

 
 
 
 
 

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