Topic: Silly Jokes

[Tim Florian]

  sucks to be that bear

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you peckers back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window.

"Sorry, no land yet."

"!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of, paper,

"I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
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A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife,

"Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first pints to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures. - "EYE-KNEE-THE RAKE".

The wife replies that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye,
next she points to her left breast, then
she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her,

"What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE-LEFT TIT-BEHIND -THE BUSH"

[BigMike]

aaaaahahahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterwork cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her,

'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky for $100, on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

'Clean my house.'
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As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?" "Mommy, where's my booger?"
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[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this?"

8. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

10. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

11. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

12. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen,start your engines."

13. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

14. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

15. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

16. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

17. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

18. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

19. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

20. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

21. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

22. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

23. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

24. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

25. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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How to be a good democrat!


1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E.Lee or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. Because the right people haven't been in charge.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

"High School Reunion"


A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Not having seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there, he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and catch up on old times.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "I do have some good news and bad news for you, though."

"Really?" The guy is worried. "What kind of bad news could you have for me after all these years?"

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad," the guy says, breathing a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry to hear that. What was the good news?"

"The good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost."
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"When I'm an old lady and live with my kids"


When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids
And make their life happy and filled with such fun. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided, returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue; and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, they'll shout.

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, and when that is done I'll hide under the bed.

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to meals, I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able.

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click. I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, and play in the mud until the end of the day.

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes, and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
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One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'thingy' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw,in larger letters, the word 'thingy' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board,each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day,she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

The Missing Tampons

Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing.

*insert Twilight Zone theme*

Ok....A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a Tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M.) I go back to the cupboard.....and VOILA....there is only ONE tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL.....I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD....at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampon themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them???

I get hold of myself .....and tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can handle this, dispite the bizzare thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking...."Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY"?

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE"!!!!

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said "What are you doing with THOSE, THOSE are MINE?"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says......

"Well, Mom, We were playing with our G.I. Joes and figurines, and THOSE make Really good S.C.U.D. missles!!
What do YOU use them for"?

NEVER MIND!!

GO PLAY!!!!
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Two girls' clubs, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes , charter a double-decker Red Apple bus for a weekend outing in New York City.The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.
They all had white knuckles.

She says, "What's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!
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Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs. of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me,

I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
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Headache

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained (as usual)

"I have a headache....."

"Perfect" he said.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my richard with aspirin. You can either take it orally or as a suppository - it's up to you!"

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
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VASELINE

A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock, with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed he asked if she knew of his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. He asked her if she used it, and her answer was "Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose; but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, would you mind telling me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
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"World's Shortest Books"


STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED by Elizabeth Taylor

BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

DOWN HILL SKIING by Sonny Bono

ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC by White Star Lines

HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

FLYING AT NIGHT by JFK, JR.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres

MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband, except she missed and hit his leg.

She has been charged with a "misdeweiner".
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting,

"Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts.

"Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife on my face, bit 3 inches off my thingy and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

2. Rectum
I had two Cadillac's, but my pregnant dog rectum both.

3. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

5. thingy
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said thingy.

6. Isreal
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,
"bull crap, that watch israel".

7. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

8. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

9. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

10. Iraq
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

11. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

12. Seldom
My cousin gave me tickets to the nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Honor
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?

14. Dictate
My girfriend say my dictate good.

5. Odyssey
I tol' my brotha, "You odyssey the tits on that ho!"

16. Axe
After school today, the police want to axe me some questions.

17. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

18. Income
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
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First Grade - True Story:

 One day the first = grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs.  The first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for
 his home.

 She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'"

 The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

 One little boy raised his hand and said,
 "I think he said, 'Holy ! A talking pig!' "

 The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
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Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three Yankees each buy tickets and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.

They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.

When they board the train the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket, please..."
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A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard full of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed the camera.

Again, he saw it flash.

He couldn't believe it!
So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash.

He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seat belt.
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Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office in England:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESNT KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOORTHE BELL DOESNT WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
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The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your trangression."

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.
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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!"

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation,she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open, did you alsosee a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied,

"Why no sir, all I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffelbags.
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You have just received the "Kentucky Virus."

As we ain't got no programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation, The Wildcat Hacker
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A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular

myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are

the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent.

However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes.

"I'm sorry," she says, " I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!!. . . . but my friends call me Bubba."
-----------------------------------------------------
A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

A Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands upand asks: "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY in my pants"
-----------------------------------------------------
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires.

"I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle.

He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."
-----------------------------------------------------
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around."

"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me i-na jail!"

"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."
-----------------------------------------------------
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in those loose cotton shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

[BigMike]

someone is high

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. (Or you hook up through your cable company!) . .

20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

23. A stock market crash worries you. A computer crash sends you running for the bottle of Valium!

24.You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

25. You're reading this.

26. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
-----------------------------------------------------
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow - a bulimic dog

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso + Peekasso - an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer - a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever -the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound - a dog for financial advisors

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador - a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point - owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute - a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere - a dog that's true to the end
-----------------------------------------------------
Sexual Harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co- worker telling you your hair smells nice.

The woman replies, "He's a midget."
-----------------------------------------------------
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

In pharmacology all drugs have a generic names:
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Rogaine is Minoxodil

and so on and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today they have settled on......

Mycoxafloppin
-----------------------------------------------------
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.

They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
-----------------------------------------------------
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

[BigMike]

someone is high

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

someone is high

Or bored, and no I didn't type all that

[cruzila [OP]]

  A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you
 ever  done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
  "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip
 to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
   high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I
   directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I
  approached the largest and most heavily
  tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
  ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,
  'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
   St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"




  "Just a couple minutes ago."

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTRE PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

AND THE BEST ONE



FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything

there is also a bunch here: http://www.angelfire.com/yt/steward/jokes/index.html this is where I copied all of those other one from

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

I like this one:
Types In The Men's Room


EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not.

CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.

INDIFFERENT : If all urinals are being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor.

WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

TOUGH : Bangs richard on side of urinal to dry it.

PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand.

EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED : Holds two inch richard like a baseball bat.

DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants.

SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

 
'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.

The tube socks was hung on the window sill, and we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and Be-Be was snug in the crib, in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.

And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas', 'Bout ready to pop a cap in dat ass!

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.

I said, for real doe, come check dis out. We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.

Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way, Was Santa, 8 crazy reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat, I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"

To the top of the projects and across the strip mall, We gots ta go, gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz, I learnt back when I hadda pay billz.

"Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings: a credit card, a knife, and a few bobby pins.

He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?" he said, "You best get on up out my face!"

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold, His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side. Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.

A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof, He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof.

He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome, To tap that booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised out in his ride, was a loud and from the heart, straight up, "WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

[BigMike]

that's it. no more jokes for redneck for a while

[mr4x42u]

ahhh,,but his post count was getting soooo BEEFY!!

 

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

I can post 100 more if it bothers you

[cruzila [OP]]

Bet I can delete em faster than you can post










PS do not try :yipes:

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

Bet I can delete em faster than you can post










PS do not try :yipes:

 

[cruzila [OP]]

 

[BigMike]

So Im thinking that our smilies here are pretty cool huh?

Yup, everyone seems to love our smilies


BigMike

[rEdnECkwHeE1eR]

They are  8) I wish I could add more and have more then like 10, these are the ones on my board :sob:           :bull crap:

[BigMike]

The smoking guy is cool, but I've vowed to myself not to have any flip off smilies here. I dont want that kind of a community. sorry suckaz!