Author Topic: Silly Jokes (Read 547926 times)

79coyotefrg · « **Reply #30 on:** Apr 05, 2003, 12:26:04 PM »

:slap:This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

:oNot only did HE have to leave the
set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

79coyotefrg · « **Reply #31 on:** Apr 05, 2003, 12:35:39 PM »

as requested by red, this was sent to me a few months ago by a chic i know. its NOT me telling you guys a story

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
her that if she did not start behaving "right now"she would be punished...
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
> >doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me were screams of laughter.

79coyotefrg · « **Reply #32 on:** Apr 06, 2003, 01:38:49 AM »

79coyotefrg · « **Reply #33 on:** Apr 06, 2003, 01:39:22 AM »

whats wrong with this thing

booger_weldz · « **Reply #34 on:** Apr 24, 2003, 07:27:56 AM »

you guys wanna come over for a BBQ?

BigMike · « **Reply #35 on:** Apr 24, 2003, 08:36:37 AM »

Meeoooooowwwwwwwww!!!!! mmeeeeooooooowwwwwww!!!!!!!

cruzila · « **Reply #36 on:** Apr 30, 2003, 09:17:17 AM »

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

vikingsven · « **Reply #37 on:** May 28, 2003, 11:27:58 AM »

I like this one...
:thumb:

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars and Venus thing. :b_s: And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. :b_s: And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" :heyhey: I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I roll over and go to sleep.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.

I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. :cry: I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." :chug: :chug: :chug:

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw of 2006.

cruzila · « **Reply #38 on:** Jun 02, 2003, 12:33:19 PM »

A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down.
Again they refused.
So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms.

This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

cruzila · « **Reply #39 on:** Jun 02, 2003, 12:39:32 PM »

$That\'s Gay$

:~~:

mr4x42u · « **Reply #40 on:** Jun 04, 2003, 01:23:36 AM »

Ok,,have to put this in two parts because its so long...
sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?

rEdnECkwHeE1eR · « **Reply #41 on:** Jun 17, 2003, 06:03:29 PM »

rEdnECkwHeE1eR · « **Reply #42 on:** Jul 08, 2003, 01:37:30 PM »

I hope that was your wife that typed that glen

Quote from: Glen on Apr 05, 2003, 12:35:39 PM

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
her that if she did not start behaving "right now"she would be punished...
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
> >doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me were screams of laughter.

BigMike · « **Reply #43 on:** Jul 08, 2003, 05:29:41 PM »

Red, I was about to say the same thing

rEdnECkwHeE1eR · « **Reply #44 on:** Jul 08, 2003, 06:36:10 PM »

Quote from: BigMike on Jul 08, 2003, 05:29:41 PM

Red, I was about to say the same thing

Yeah, I was hoping the poor girl didn't have 2 daddys

rEdnECkwHeE1eR · « **Reply #45 on:** Jul 08, 2003, 06:42:20 PM »

He just told me he Doesn't have a wife!

snorklehead · « **Reply #46 on:** Jul 11, 2003, 02:41:30 PM »

Just heard these from a little kid..pretty cute jokes...

1). A man is driving down the interstate real slow. A Cop pulls him over and says, "Did you know your going 9mph?" To which the man replies, "That can't be, I haven't even been out an hour."

2). Why don't seagulls fly over the Bay? Cause if they did you would call em Bagels.

84runner · « **Reply #47 on:** Jul 11, 2003, 03:01:50 PM »

These 2 gay guys decide that they want to have a baby. So they find them a women to have there child. They go to the lab and have there sperm mixed and the women artificialy insiminated. 9 months later they are at the hospital cause the women is in labor. Finally the nurse comes out and asks them if they want to see there baby. So she leads them to the nursery, as they walk past all the babys the to guys are commmenting on how cute all the babys are. Then, one of the babys in the nursery catches there eyes. Its the only one in there that is not crying and screaming. They start saying how sweet the baby is and how good he is not crying. Well the nurse tells them that the baby is theres. So they realy get excited and talk about how good there baby is not crying and no bottle just being so sweet. Well the nurse says we finally got him to shut up all it took was a passifire in the ass

79coyotefrg · « **Reply #48 on:** Jul 11, 2003, 05:06:19 PM »

Quote from: rEdnECkwHeE1eR on Jul 08, 2003, 06:42:20 PM

He just told me he Doesn't have a wife!

:rolleyes:actually divorced twice, now i know better

oh yea hey red,

BigMike · « **Reply #49 on:** Jul 12, 2003, 01:56:08 AM »

84runner - good one

slowpksdrvr told me these one's today at work:

Q: What do you call a cow with now legs?
A: Ground Beef!

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean Beef!

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs resting next to a door?
A: Matt.

Q: What do you call a guy who gets put in a mail box?
A: Bill.

Q: Where does the one legged lady work?
A: IHOP

Q: What is her name?
A: Ileane!

Q: What do you call a winer dog with metal balls?
A: Sparky!

snorklehead · « **Reply #50 on:** Jul 12, 2003, 07:24:58 AM »

These are from Steven Wright

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things..

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and

apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad

girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help

section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands

with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill

himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an

endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid

someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the

right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank

machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me. I know there's a

logical explanation, but it escapes me)

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those

yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become

disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Tim Florian · « **Reply #51 on:** Jul 13, 2003, 10:20:38 PM »

Those were pretty good

84runner · « **Reply #52 on:** Jul 14, 2003, 12:10:24 PM »

Q: Why do women like to date welders?
A: Cause the always work in leathers

Q: Why do women like to date welders?
A: Because no matter how big the crack the rod will always fill the gap

cruzila · « **Reply #53 on:** Jul 18, 2003, 10:58:33 AM »

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached
her. "Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put
$1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't need I give to the church."

The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for
a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. The priest says. Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat
house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

BigMike · « **Reply #54 on:** Jul 19, 2003, 02:02:43 PM »

79coyotefrg · « **Reply #55 on:** Jul 23, 2003, 05:11:10 PM »

:sonic:

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked. "No sir, he
ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?" "No, she
ain't here neither. She went to town with paw."

"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting
from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired
politely. "I know where all the
tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I
could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really
wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your
brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to
talk to pa about that", he finally conceded.
"But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges
$50 for the bull and
$25 for the boar hog,
but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

mr4x42u · « **Reply #56 on:** Jul 24, 2003, 09:09:36 AM »

whats green,,slimey and smells like bacon?

kirmitt the frogs finger...

rEdnECkwHeE1eR · « **Reply #57 on:** Jul 24, 2003, 11:35:20 AM »

Quote from: mr4x42u on Jul 24, 2003, 09:09:36 AM

whats green,,slimey and smells like bacon?

kirmitt the frogs finger...

snorklehead · « **Reply #58 on:** Jul 24, 2003, 12:17:57 PM »

Ahh dude thats just sick

rEdnECkwHeE1eR · « **Reply #59 on:** Jul 24, 2003, 10:12:18 PM »

There is bear running through the woods chasing a rabbit, the rabbit runs into a cave and the bear fallows. The rabbit knocks over a lamp and a jennie pops up. They both stop, the jennie says, "I will grant you each 3 wishes." The bear says, "Hmmm, I really wanna get busy..................make me the only male bear in this forest." "Ok done you are the only male bear in this forest." the jennie looks at the rabbit who says, "Hmm, I want a motercycle." *poof* theres a motercycle. The bear says, "No, ya know what, I really wanna get bussy, make me the only male bear in this country!" the rabbit is thinking for a while, then he says, "I want a helmit for my motercycle." *poof* theres a helmit hanging on his handle bars. The jennie says, "OK, bear this is your last wish, the bear quickly says, "IREALLYwanna get busy I wanna be the only male bear in the world!!!" "Ok, rabbit this is your last wish make it count, the rabbit pauses for a while and then says, "I want the bear to be

." and gets on his motercycle and ride away

$Beer Chug\'n$

cruzila [OP]

cruzila [OP]

cruzila [OP]

cruzila [OP]

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